I’ll Keep Drinking And You’ll Keep Getting Skinnier; I’m Just Like You, Only Prettier

Maybe I’m not the world’s most knowledgeable about music. Actually, I’m far from it. I’m well aware. However, I’ve been enjoying Miranda Lambert’s newest album. Her voice isn’t too girly. Of course she sounds nothing like a man. It’s a personal opinion of mine that male voices are more appealing, so being that her voice isn’t high pitched is a positive in my book.

When I first heard this song, “Only Prettier,” I loved the last line. Hence the title of this posting. It’s odd for me to pay attention to anything I’m listening to, so why this lyric? Well, you could say it’s because I’m not skinny. If you decided that was the reason, you’d be right in the assessment of my weight, but not as the direst reason. I really like that she’s able to do what she wants because it’s what she wants. And, honestly, when you’re happy, you’re more beautiful than any diet or any amount of makeup could create. It makes me sad that so many people seem to forget or simply bypass the truth behind beauty.

So, what makes you happy? I’m not sure I always can answer that question, I’m not sure I could answer it now. Maybe it’s an easier question to answer when you’re actually happy. Last night I had a talk with my roommate, whose uncle recently committed suicide. She was neither close nor well known to this relative, but it was still sad. We eventually ended up on the topic of depression. I told her a story about myself from when I was 16, one I share with very few people. I am not ashamed of the story, I just am wise enough to know that not everyone can understand what happened and why I made the choices I made at the time. To be completely honest, the story may have made her incredibly uncomfortable and strange, but hopefully it didn’t. I told her how in the month following my tonsillectomy I found it hard to find even the motivation for a shower. There were a few weeks where my showers were separated by at least a week. I think things have gotten a little better. But, I don’t really know either.

Last I posted, I was headed to Missoula. Initially these appointments were made to have my regular check up with an endocrinologist and then to make sure my tonsils have healed. I can’t even begin to tell you how thankful I am the ER gave me a copy of my blood test results when I was there a couple weeks ago. It gave me the time to see how many of my numbers weren’t right. It gave me time to realize this endo appointment may be just a bit longer. I am just so glad. I’m one of those people who like to “know.” Had I been blindsided with the idea that so much of my body and its systems hates me, I may have fallen apart in his office. But I knew going in things were off, I came in with a list of questions. The appointment lasted two hours and was followed by a trip to the lab for some bloodwork to further investigate my body’s hatred.

Where These Feet Have Traveled

As a child and even young adult my hatred of feet had always been abundantly clear. Doctors had to force me to remove my socks for my yearly physical. I suppose I’ve always been self conscious of my feet. While I was never blatantly disliked in grade school, the one thing I’d been teased about were my too-large, too-skinny feet. By grade 4 I was wearing a 9.5! I think I nearly cried in the shoe store.

In recent years I guess you could say I’ve developed an appreciation for feet. I like the symbolism of footprints, which are impossible without feet. I’ve come to accept my size 11-12 shoe size. And I no longer jump 5ft in the air if someones foot grazes any part of my body. An even bigger step, I’ll still talk to you if your feet touch me. I may even consider politely asking for its removal.

Mostly, my feet haven’t failed me. Perhaps they’re not the prettiest feet around; but come on…they’re feet! They are callused, scarred & maybe a bit odd shapen. Yet they’ve never failed me. They take me places, put up with the poor shoe choices I make from time to time, swiftly adjust from pink to blue to purple painting…they are probably my most loving body part. After a long day of work, of course they’re sore. They’ve had their share of blisters, cuts, burns and even a wart problem as a young child. 

The real question, I guess, is why the hell am I writing about feet?!?! And, honestly, I think it’s because I need something to appreciate about myself. Silly, I know. It’s just been too much lately and my feet haven’t given up. My immune system has revolted (even more than normal), my hormones are off and as a result of the immune troubles, my muscle tone has also given up working. It seems as though my body is quitting and it’s killing me. I need to stop hating me. And my feet are dependable. A fresh splash of my favorite nailpolish and they even appear halfway decent! 

Some day I may look back at this with sadness, pity and embarrassment; though I hope differently. We should be able to appreciate ourselves, every little piece. So, today, I choose my feet. A small part of all of me. It’s all I can muster to appreciate at the moment as I lay in bed, in pain, overtired and a bit defeated. Feet, I’ve decided are a good place to start. They’re the ones who move you, right? 

And today, they’re taking me to Montana.

D-Feast Fridays…A Bit Late

I caught on to the whole idea of the recipe posting on Fridays a bit late. So, here I am, posting on Sunday!

As promised:

Sweet Potato Burritos

Sweet Potatoes:
For sweet Sweet Potatoes:
Peel and cube desired quantity of sweet potatoes
Mix in enough oil to coat
Sprinkle brown sugar and cinnamon over top and mix

For spicy Sweet Potatoes:
Peel and cube desired quantity of sweet potatoes
Mix in enough oil to coat
Sprinkle with chili and cayenne powder, using more chili than cayenne and mix

Spread as flat as possible in baking dish or pizza pan. Bake at 350F until tender, approx 30-45min.

Black Beans:
Soak Black Beans overnight, drain. Return to pot, add enough water to cover and cook for at least 1.5hrs.

You can either use a burrito shell or do more of a burrito bowl. Beans, sweet potatoes, shredded lettuce, shredded cheese, sour cream, chicken, salsa…whatever you would like!

The Sweet Potatoes are a delicious addition to any burrito-style meal! My boss made this dinner a while back. It was delicious!

The Exception

Today…

Today I sit at home, maybe getting some work done in the office, maybe soaking up some sun outside in my chair, maybe taking a nap and maybe taking the first walk on my own in nearly two months. My coworkers and boss will be taking a hike. A hike, in which, I’m not invited to participate. This is not of malicious intent; I purely am just not allowed to go on the type of hike they are planning on taking. They are however picking up a few groceries for me while they’re driving out to the mountain. I appreciate my boss’ kindness. And I most certainly appreciate the presence of milk in my refrigerator as of tomorrow evening.

I understand why I’m not invited. I accept there’s no way I would be able to even take a hike like that in my current state of health. I just want it all to be over. I want to be a part of the “group.” I want to see the wilderness. I want to work in different tree stands, build signage, identifying faults and concerns on undesignated routes…I want to be capable of doing things.

That’s a lot of I’s and maybe sounds a bit selfish. It’s okay if it sounds selfish, it’s honest.

Life’s Important Questions

Life offers a lot to us. It also provokes many questions. Many people who know me would probably describe me and inquisitive. Sometimes the questions life prompts in my brain are not what many would see as important. To an extent, they’re probably not very important. But isn’t that what life’s all about, discovery, education and adventure?

Maybe the information I search for really doesn’t provide an adventure. However, maybe my knowledge of Brad Paisley’s wife being Kimberly Williams, from Father of the Bride, will provide a connection between me and a random person I meet. Maybe it won’t ever get me ahead in life, but I tend to think connections with people are important. Connection is enough of a benefit for me. This is perhaps why I have such a challenge with formal education…I like the lessons life offers more than a schoolbook. That’s a whole other discussion, which will probably never be discussed on this blog in any great depth.

Can I Just Get A Body Transplant?

As many of you know, if you follow my blog with any remote consistency, I have some issues with my own consistency. It seems that my sickness has helped in that area. While I am not writing daily, yet, I am writing more often. Sadly, I’m not sure I’ve gotten any more “on topic.” Actually, I’m not sure it’s sad. I have come to appreciate my randomness and inability to stay on track as I write. My brain lacks the ability to regularly stay on track, so it only makes sense my writing would struggle with the same. The reason I can’t quite decide if this is a positive or negative is that I feel it keeps my writing honest and real. When I read I like to read as though I can connect with the characters, writing and events. In my personal opinion, I very much appreciate writing that makes me feel like I’m there, in the conversation, in the event. So why not write as though I’m having a conversation with you, the reader?

Now, moving on, since I don’t need to beat that idea to a pulp, I feel like I have neglected diabetes lately. Not in life, my pump is almost always connected and I still count carbs, set temp basals, check sugars and pay attention to almost every slight change in my body I feel. My doctors have, on more than one occasion, called my diabetes management compulsive. One thought it may be a problem and another thought it was a good thing. I like to go with the idea that it’s a healthy obsession. As a result, I tend not to refer to my habits of care as an obsession OR compulsive. But, I am willing to accept these accusations; they aren’t too far from the truth.

It’s A Good Thing I’m Not A Horse

I’m not sure what to write, but I feel like I need to say something. Anything really. It’s one of those days. The one’s where you don’t feel quite right. Maybe nothing is exactly wrong, but nothing is really right either. Do you know those days? Even if you don’t, please pretend, for sake of my sanity.

I could say that this “offness” is related to the many medications I’m currently putting into my body. I’m not sure it’d be far off. But, is that just an excuse? Who knows. Even if the meds aren’t causing this state of mind, I’m sure they’re causing my liver a great deal of work. It’s probably a good thing I don’t drink much or do drugs (except the prescription kind). I really can’t wait to be done. Getting my tonsils removed were supposed to help my overall health, and I’m sure one day that will be the result. Until then, it’s a good thing I’m not a horse. My friend told me that the other day. Sad, but true. If I were a horse, I’d be a dead horse, worse, a euthanized horse. Maybe one day I’ll get to be a productive work horse. Or at least a healthy human, who if WAS a horse, would be considered a good work horse.

Idaho/Montana Pictures!

Internal Conflict

Some of you may know, and some may not, the Idaho program I am in will be featured in its own episode on Outdoor Idaho. Outdoor Idaho is a program on Idaho Public Television. They feature different outdoor places/people/programs throughout the state.

This has caused quite a stir. Most of the 17 other people I live with are not terribly outgoing. Not to say we lack social skills, but we certainly aren’t what most would call “TV personalities.” In the beginning it was something we all took to accept because a focus on our program would benefit the US Forest Service as well as The SCA. There have been many ups and downs thus far and it’s becoming less and less easy to be excited about the whole situation.

Idaho Life

Last night I started my THIRD new television series in the last couple months, Californication. (The other two series are Battlestar Galactica and Weeds). The series mentions writing, as the main character is a writer, and also talks about blogging. I also watched a movie yesterday that mentioned blogging, Made of Honor. It’s a cute romantic comedy with Patrick Dempsey (gorgeous!) and Michelle Monaghan. Both Californication and Made of Honor depict blogging rather negatively. Made of Honor shows a blogger that has no life, none at all. She’s a total nerd and obsessive. Californication says blogging insults true writers and ruins the American language.

It made me think. Why do I blog? Do I have no life? Does blogging discredit me as a writer? Initially I started blogging because I hadn’t been writing, I needed an avenue to vent and I had recently moved to a new state. I still need the avenue to vent and sort out my head, but to my knowledge, no one from my previous state of residence reads my blog. Whether or not I have a ‘life’ is up for debate, but I don’t think I’m as off the handle as the woman in Made of Honor. And, while I don’t think of myself as an incredibly talented writer that’s going anywhere with my writing, I feel blogging helps me develop my own style and comfort level with writing.