Category Archives: decisions

Nashville

I’ve been there once.

I spent a week there in June. It was a great, drama-free week…until my last 9hrs. Then someone hit my rental car in a parking lot and didn’t leave a note. A kind stranger did, though it lacked some essential information, but it was MUCH appreciated. I also found the situation at about 3am. Yes, that’s THREE in the morning. I didn’t sleep at all, missed my flight, got delayed 3hrs on the next flight, missed my connecting flight and got back to CA approx 9hrs after the original plan. …it was quite a day. A nice farmer almost made me cry when he gave me a free peach at the farmer’s market…I don’t normally cry, it was due to my over-exhaustion. However, I was incredibly grateful and touched.

In spite of my limited knowledge and experience in Nashville, it’s becoming my new home.

Yep, home.

That’s huge for me. I haven’t felt at “home” anywhere since I was a kid. 16 years ago kind of kid. I had a “home” 11 years ago, but I wasn’t there very long. I feel like I’ve always been in transition. Now, I have a home.

Or at least that’s the plan. Looking at experience, plans are a bad idea…in my case. But I’m moving forward with faith and hope this is THE plan. The plan that’s going to be…finally.

I feel like it’s pretty solid since I have very few plans for this “plan”.

Things have kind of fallen together.

Very fast.

Very, very fast.

In June I was in Nashville for work. I had gotten a new job, a REAL job. I haven’t had a decent, full-time, grown-up job in 6 years. Craziness!

Back on topic: While in Nashville for work, I inquired about what the process may be to relocate to the TN office. It was kind of a far away dream, a “maybe someday” thing.

They advised me to speak to a couple people in the SF office. And, it’s about time I grew a pair, so I gathered the braveness I could, and asked. The first answer was “Yeah, definitely, that’d be great! Who knows when though, maybe a month, maybe a year.”

Woah, woah, woah! I laughed when I was told a month.

A couple weeks went by and there was no mention of timing or a plan. So I brought it up again, with a more direct supervisor. Who was on board and we came up with the plan of December/January.

Quick, but not too quick.

…a week later they came to me and said they’d like me to move in September. Ideally the first week, the second week would be fine, but definitely by the third.

Say what?!

I asked for a couple days to think about it, look at my finances, etc. They agreed, and cautioned me that time was of the essence.

Two days later, I agreed.

The week after getting back from Nashville I bought a car. So, I now have something reliable to move across the country in. I’ve gotten roommates. I’m in the process of getting a mattress. I’ll be starting work the day after Labor Day…in Nashville.

Could this finally be my move out of California?! I’ve waited so long for this. SO long.

I’m excited: this will be an awesome adventure, I’ll finally be able to start my life, I’ll be somewhere I WANT to be, it means my family and I will be on better terms (I hope), it’s a new season in my life.

I’m scared: every time I’ve left CA or tried to leave CA something falls apart (diabetes, getting disowned, Crohn’s, tonsils), I’ll be 2200mi away from where I grew up, I’ll be on my own.

I’m nervous. I’m happy.

Hopefully, life agrees with the plan. You know what they say about plans and God laughing…it’s the story of my life. Though, I feel like while I’ve been working really hard to get everything set up, I haven’t been doing much planning. Maybe planning isn’t the word, I haven’t been doing much to force the plan. I decided what I wanted to do, felt out the waters, dove in and it’s all coming together.

Moyer and I will be beginning our lives in Tennessee.

It’s really strange for me to think of him in Tennessee. He’s spent all three years of his life in California and now I’m taking him to Tennessee. I wonder if he’ll forget CA. Or if he’ll like TN. Or if I’ve babied him too much and he’s a weird dog in TN. (I realize these are very strange concerns to have, he’s a dog) But what if people laugh at him when he needs a coat to go out in the rain, because he refuses otherwise? Or what if I’m a weirdo for loving him as much as I do? I hope he doesn’t get too homesick. He’ll probably never come back to CA or see my sister’s dog or who knows if my family will ever come out to TN, so he may never see them again either…it’s just weird. I hope he’ll be happy in TN. I’ll be there, and he’s pretty happy when he’s with me, so it would make sense for him to be happy.

One thing’s for sure, life’s an adventure.

I’m glad I’m getting to embrace it. :)Image


No D Day

No D Day…being that I rarely blog specifically about D, I thought this would be easy. Then I realized it’s always brought up some way, because it’s a huge part of my life. So here’s my attempt of a no D day post…

Consequences are a you know what. I don’t believe in karma, but I fully believe in consequences and fully support them. Coming from that perspective, consequences are really frustrating. I made a poor choice, which led me to more poor decisions, and things progressed from there. I am dealing with the consequences. It’s unbelievably frustrating to know it’s completely your own doing that puts you in a crumby place.

It’s fairly common for people to think I’m a cold person. I don’t get emotional about things, I can be rational to a fault. Seriously, I get myself in trouble way too often. Yet, I made irrational decisions; I knew better. Not that there’s anything I can do about it at this point, but I’m disappointed in myself. All I can do is pray for grace.

I have a friend whom I admire greatly. When I was in high school he told me whenever asked how he’s doing he’ll always respond “better than I deserve”. I understand not everyone can identify with that statement, but to me, it’s an incredibly humbling perspective. Because, honestly, I am always doing better than I deserve to be. Yes, the world is full of injustice, and life is cruelly unfair; but it’s still better than what I deserve. By this I mean, I don’t deserve to be with God in my life. None of us do; it’s really only by His grace I have the choice to have a relationship with Him. (I know you may disagree, and I’m not trying to argue, I promise)

The last few months have been incredibly emotionally draining. But it’s a position I put myself in, by choice. It’s been so hard, so much harder than I expected. And I’ve spent a lot of time asking “why?” And, yes, someone else’s choices and behaviors could have made this less draining; but people are free to make their own choices. When you involve yourself with others, you put yourself at their mercy.

When you tell a friend a secret, you’re trusting them to be kind with it. When someone chooses to open up to you, they are being vulnerable. My past has made me very weary of allowing myself to be vulnerable…and I’m clearly not great at identifying the right people with whom to share. But, you live and learn.

I guess that’s why I’ve been able to remain joyful, despite the challengingness of this Summer; perspective. I’m still alive, still learning and have a life so much better than what’s deserved.


On Hold

I’ve been on hold for almost 30mins now & have run out of Twitter updates and Facebook statuses to read. After a moment of pondering, blogging was the obvious next course of action!

Life has felt like it was kind of on hold for a while…by a while I really mean the last two years. Right now is a really exciting, albeit scary, time for me. It’s mostly little things, but it’s still pretty awesome!

I’m in a toothsmithing program and loving it! What is toothsmithing?, you ask…it’s making teeth. Dentures, crowns, bridges, implants: the whole shebang! It’s the perfect combination of art and science. It’s also the first time I’ve been a full-time student in 8yrs…totally scary!! But I got my first two tests back today and both were 100% A’s! I think I maybe can do this whole student thing!!

I started teaching swim lessons last week. As a kid, when I was learning to swim, I remember wanting to one day teach kids to swim. It’s kind of a weird early memory I suppose, being that I was about four at the time. Now with diabetes though, holy moly, it’s scary. But I’m determined to prove I can do it!

Why is swim teaching such a big deal with diabetes? Lots of reasons! I’m in the water for 5hrs at a time with kids depending on my ability to help them and keep them safe. My insulin pump is waterproof (thank you Animas!!!) which is incredibly helpful. Dexcom is not…meaning my ability to monitor my blood sugars during that fairly active time period of 5hrs is pretty challenging. Testing on a meter is also hard, since my fingers turn to raisins and my hands are covered in chlorinated water. BUT, thus far I’ve made it work and am determined to keep making it work. Gatorade has become ny new best friend and watching what I eat before teaching has become a much bigger deal. It’s exciting and scary; which means it’s totally awesome!

Yeah, I’m still on hold…lame!

I’m also taking this hour long hips, thighs & ab class this semester and it kicks my butt! And makes it hard not to be paranoid. I’m a control freak and exercise makes my blood sugars anything but stable. So far things are going well, which is great! Even better, things have been going well even without wearing my dexcom!

Like I said, it’s nothing too big or amazing, but it’s awesome anyway.

At this point I kind of want to hang up…but I’ve already invested all this time…and mobile battery.

This Summer has been pretty trying on my emotional sanity. And I’ve managed to keep things mostly in control diabetes & Crohn’s-wise. Minor issues yes, but overall pretty okay. I’m hoping the catalyst for my issue has been removed & I will try to be smarter with my relational choices from here on out.

I’ll be headed to Montana for a few days in 2 and a half weeks. I’m totally stoked! I’ve missed the West so, so much.

Life is exciting right now…and pretty “boring.” It’s a totally new concept for me. Usually life is not so pleasantly exciting and I’m being pulled in a million directions. But now it’s exciting and normal; I have a routine & it’s working!

Before I go…because let’s face it, blogging from a smartphone is a pain & makes your fingers tired…I’d like to point out how I started with my life being on hold & I’m writing while on hold…pretty clever, right? Hopefully I’ll be ending with no longer physically being on hold, since my life isn’t really anymore.

One can always hope, right?

…I think so, since I had on tattooed on my wrist and all…


Wow

My life has changed a lot since mid-May.

June 5th I got my new dog, Moyer. I love him to death. He’s adorable…and huge. Think Clifford the Big Red Dog, but black and an actual life size. Standing on his back two legs he’s taller than my 5’7″ sister.

I go to church again and am loving it. It was time, and I am grateful for grace.

I no longer have three jobs. I have one, full-time job. Moyer gets to come with me to work every day and it’s relatively close to home.

It’s been since late May since I was in the hospital.

I’ve now been diagnosed with Crohn’s for a year. It was a rough, rough year. Adding school, work, church & a social life into my routine hasn’t been easy. Almost two weeks ago now I saw my GI…I cried after. He put me back on flagyl, cipro & entocort. I felt like I was taking so many steps forward, only to take three steps back.  It didn’t help you could see the terror in his eyes when he found out I lose my insurance in March.

With the new meds and the Crohn’s acting up, my sugars have been all sorts of everywhere. It’s really quite annoying.

Toward the end of September I cut all my hair off. Not a buzz cut or anything, but my mother called it “butch”. Then toward the end of October I dyed it brown. I love it. It’s liberating.

Navigating a social life shouldn’t be such a challenge for a 25 y/o. But, between feeling completely un-cool and terribly socially awkward I don’t feel terribly comfortable socially. I love people…which is why I work with them, but at the end of the day I like my peace and quiet. Humans are social by nature though, so I feel it’s best to maintain some form of a social life…well first I need to start one. I’m not great at it, and usually feel quite weird and out of place, but I am trying. That sounds potentially very lame, I think I’m okay with that though. Between diabetes, Crohn’s, work, family, church, school and my own sanity, being social unfortunately doesn’t always rank high on my priority list after a long day or week.

Aside from hoping to become more comfortable socially, I’d really like to be able to eat again soon. By that I mean eat an entire meal and not feel like digging a 10ft hole to bury myself in within the hour. Currently, I can handle, barely, half a meal MAYBE twice a day. I eat so I can take my meds, otherwise I get even MORE sick. :( It’s really very annoying.

Also, I’d like to take a class on social implications, expectations and perceptions…apparently I’m not great at them.

That’s kind of a 6month wrap up. It’s more a “late on a Saturday night and my head has a million things going on and something needed to be spit out” wrap up. Let’s pretend I was trying to be more diligent with my blog and give an update though :)


Take What You Can Get

I started a post on Feb 11th and never finished. It had a great title and everything: “The Dog Days are Over”. It was wrong, I think they’d only just begun.

February 11th I had two new pieces of information: (1) I was surprised with a new dog for my sister. A 10 month old Husky. Her name is Kaya and she’s every bit a puppy. (2) I FINALLY got a job! I was hired the same day we got the dog…and my new job is working with dogs. My official title is “Dog Handler” – I play with dogs, keep them well-behaved and end any fights. With the little dogs I end up cleaning poop, mopping pee my whole shift and with whatever time is left, I pet them. With the large dogs, I keep them from killing each other…not really, they just rile each other up and it’s my job to keep them settled…somewhat. They’re allowed to play, however, a lot of the dogs are right around Kaya’s age and get too excited. By the end of the three hours all the dogs are exhausted and most are stretched out on the floor.

So, there was going to be a whole blog about that…but now there’s more…

Did I mention my root canal finished? It failed. The tooth was pulled. I now have a lopsided mouth. It still bleeds from time to time, but the surgeon thinks it looks good so it’s not a problem.

Last Friday I made my first visit of the year to the ER. Thursday night around 9pm I started feeling pain in my right abdomen. By 11p I thought I was dying…perhaps a bit melodramatic, but I was in a LOT of pain. I tried going to the bathroom, but couldn’t and it didn’t really feel like Crohn’s pain, but I thought maybe. Then I tried a shower, didn’t work at all. Tried a heating pad, no luck there either. Finally I took some pain medication…which I don’t like to do because it tends to mess everything up with my Crohn’s. Then I was afraid to go to sleep because I didn’t want the pain medication to wear off and wake up in such searing pain. I had thought my doctor’s office opened at 7am so I planned to call then, turned out they opened at 8:30a, so I called the on-call doctor at 6:45a. She recommended I go to the ER, she felt it may be Crohn’s related and waiting to see the doctor, ordering the CT, getting the CT and seeing the results would take too long and it was a Friday after all.

So I told my parents where I was going and went on my merry way. There were three of us in the waiting room, I was the third…though I was called in first. (A bonus of having diabetes). The ER doctor felt I may need my appendix removed so he ordered a CT to find out. I survived my very first enema and did “well”…whatever that means. Turns out my appendix is just fine, for now. However, I had a number of kidney stones. They gave me more IV pain meds and sent me on my way. After a short spat with my mother regarding my ride home, I called my PCP’s office and asked for a referral to a Urologist. Then there was another short spat and a trip to the pharmacy…and then another pharmacy because no one carries PercoTAN anymore. My mother dropped me off at home with the THREE dogs and she and my sister left for the day.

Before they left Kaya of course got out because my sister needed to say goodbye to her 5 times and standing on the other side of the gate was unacceptable. Kaya then sprinted around the neighborhood. She finally came back and she was put in her crate. She screamed, cried and yelped…while I was trying to get the urologist to fit me in that afternoon.

I still couldn’t drive, my dad was coming home from work but was still an hour away and I had a friend I’d just canceled on…so I called her. The urologist could only fit me in if I could make it there by 2pm…which was 40mins away. I walked a half a mile down the street…in the pouring rain, met my friend on the corner, she dropped me off at the appointment and my dad met me there. Before leaving for the appointment my tooth started bleeding again. As my friend was driving I called the oral surgeon…he wanted to see me too. So I told him I could meet him at 3pm and explained the ER/doctor situation in a very abbreviated form.

Urologist showed me my CT, I had two large kidney stones and about 10 others in the right kidney and one in the left. He informed me I had a choice to have surgery done or not, but since I was at a higher risk of infection and already have inflammatory issues it was possible I’d need emergency surgery done. If I scheduled the surgery I could avoid another ER visit. …with my luck I thought it best to schedule the surgery. If I passed the stones over the weekend I could call Monday to cancel, otherwise Tuesday was the surgery.

Tuesday came, I had a morning appointment with my neurologist. That was lovely. I have another medication and “condition” or maybe he said “syndrome” but he told me it wasn’t technically a disease…essential tremors. The new med is Propranolol, a beta-blocker. Yay, just what I wanted! Another medication and another “condition”…I think I’ve had enough, thanks though.

Writing about this is depressing…I’ll be 25 in 13 days. It’s not time for my annual “yearly rundown”…but I’ve now had surgery, 2 in fact, am on more meds than I can usually remember, have three chronic conditions and two progressive conditions…2 more than I had last year….more doctor’s visits, more sleep, less life…I’ll shut up now…

So after the Neurologist appointment I went home, grabbed a few things and left for the hospital. I checked in at Noon, my surgery started around 3:30 and I left the hospital around 6:20p. My dad then took me to CVS to get the new medications and then we went home.

I’ve since spent the week peeing blood. I now know what it’s like to have an aching kidney. They put a stent in to prevent it swelling shut…thus the achy kidney. The pain lasted through Saturday. The pain medication has now screwed with Crohn’s and I’m in that kind of pain now…which pain meds will only make worse.

There is a med that is causing me to be really anxious before bed…I’m hoping it’s the pain meds and that’ll go away now that I’m not on them anymore. I’ve finished the antibiotic and the stop bleeding med…but didn’t take the flomax. I can’t really explain why, I think I’m just tired of having weird issues and weird medications and didn’t want to take a med intended for aging men with prostate issues. It’s a dumb excuse, but I think we all have a tipping point, and that was mine.

As a result of the hospital stay I now have three nasty bruises from the attempts at locating a vein for my IV. My sugars have gone batshit crazy…so it’s not just Crohn’s acting up. At least Crohn’s had the decency to wait til the surgery pain had subsided. We can’t always live in a perfect world, gotta take what you can get.


Real World

Not an obvious song title, but it is! One of the few positives coming out of my January Technology Crash aka death of my Windows operated computer, is I’ve somehow been able to recover some really old iTunes purchases. The All-American Rejects make me a happy camper :) …I don’t think I’m supposed to admit liking them though…oops.

Anyway, the title actually relates to my post! Lately I’ve spent a lot more time in the kitchen. I’m not 100% sure of the reason, though the possible causes are: – I have no job & one class outside of my house so I’m home a lot – My diet has become something my family is not open to adapting along with me – I cooked a lot of my own food in Idaho.

I’ve always had a huge interest in people and cultures. People fascinate me. And since I’m in the kitchen so often, why not start making foods from various countries?!

Monday night I went out and got a world map from AAA and plan on marking each country I cover. The other twist with this, is I’m going to try to adjust the recipes I find into gluten free versions. I’ve heard some people with Crohn’s (I still don’t have a good term – suggestions??) have success eliminating gluten from their diet. Along with gluten I’m trying to limit my milk consumption. I still plan on having Greek yogurt, it’s cooked long enough to kill nearly all of the lactose. (I haven’t tried my new milks yet…I’m planning almond milk for my gluten free Puffins this morning)

Anyway, I’ve started researching some German and Irish dishes. I think I’ll move to Russia next. I’m primarily German and Irish and my family recently discovered lineage to Russia. I briefly looked at some Cuban food…which I’m excited to try.

My goal is to make a full dinner, meal and dessert from one country once a week. They can fend for themselves the rest of the week…and I’m not sure they’ll go for gluten free 7 nights a week.

The Irish desserts look AMAZING! I can’t decide between an oat cream (yeah oats aren’t 100% certainly gluten free, but I love my oatmeal and it’s staying around) fruit pudding-like dessert or a Baileys pie. We might need to visit the Irish more than once. :) Most of the German desserts I want to make will have to wait until May-June because they involve more fresh summer fruits. There’s this wonderful looking plum meringue pie, plum cake and some other fruit cakes.

If you have any suggestions – of countries or recipes, I’d love to hear them!

This isn’t too nerdy of a goal, right? I think I can consider it a good use of my time, yeah?

Oh, also, a quick health update:

  • My tooth still hurts…and I still haven’t called the endontist…for the millionth time to tell them I’m still not better. It seems redundant. If I’d ever like to have fully functioning mastication abilities, I should probably call. :-/
  • My stomach bruises have changed from purple-blue to black. It looks awesome. My mother was appalled when I lifted my shirt to take my Symlin yesterday…she was also disgusted.
  • I cut myself in the shower yesterday, with an exfoliant. A simple bar of natural ingredients intended to slough off dead skin. Part of me thinks this could be a fault of the product, but the more reasonable portion of my brain is certain this would only happen to me.

So, not good, not bad, but mostly just the same. At least a shower injury is entertaining…a little, tiny bit, but entertaining nonetheless.


Remember When I Bought THREE Books

Not just any three books. Three books that cover a topic NOTHING like their titles.

In an effort to escape some family grouchiness and impending arguments my sister and I took a trip to Barnes & Noble before our family movie viewing. Completely off topic (it happens a lot, what can I say?) we saw True Grit and it was AMAzing. Bonus was that not a single family member was offended the whole movie…it made the post-movie dinner and drive home MUCH better than usual.

Back to the topic at hand…

Last week Barnes & Noble emailed me recommended readings based on my prior purchases. I had written down two titles to check out the next time I took a visit. I was intrigued by their titles having nothing to do with the subject they explore.

Firstly, A Gate at the Stairs. This is its synopsis: “Twenty-year-old Tassie Keltjin, the daughter of a gentleman farmer, has come to a university town as a student. When she takes a job as a part-time nanny for a mysterious and glamorous family, she finds herself drawn deeper into their world and forever changed. Told through the eyes of this memorable narrator, A Gate at the Stairs is a piercing novel of race, class, love, and war in America.” Maybe I haven’t been doing much intelligent reading, but the last sentence piqued my interest. I like the idea of reading a novel, fiction, that explores social issues. I love my chick lit from time to time, but it usually doesn’t have a strong focus on social challenges.

After reading the description of A Gate at the Stairs (which won Best Book of the Year) I noticed another piece of work from the same author…

Birds of America. The title would lead you to believe it covers the various speeches in this part of the world. The very first part of A Gate at the Stairs’ description on Borders.com read: “In her bestselling story collection, “Birds of America,” Moore wrote about the disconnect between men and women, about the precariousness of women on the edge, and about loneliness and loss.” Maybe I’m weird, but I am VERY fascinated by human dynamics. I like to understand people. We make so many generalities or we let one difference dissuade us from seeing a commonality. It’s a bonus that it looks like one thing on the outside and are something completely different inside – I like things like that. That age-old saying “don’t judge a book by its cover” – it’s overused in some respect, but is wise. I only say it’s overused because its popularity has in some respects lessened the power behind the few words. People get so accustomed to hearing something they forget its real meaning. Kind of like violent video games or the violence seen on the news today – constant exposure has desensitized us. Maybe I’m underestimating my peers, but it certainly feels this way. I am excited to get started on this and is the first I’ll be reading of my day-after-Christmas-bookstore-run.

Perhaps the cause of this misunderstanding is due to my looking at books with such unrelated titles. I think it’s that and my disappointment in fellow Republicans. Yes, I said fellow Republicans. In California I feel I’m considered a moderate Republican. In the Midwest I think I’d probably be a conservative Democrat. Since I live in California, and have never registered as anything but Republican, that’s what I’m claiming as my political identity. Sadly, I think the definitions are so personal, to a fellow “moderate Republican” I may sound more like a liberal Republican and others a conservative Republican. I almost feel like there is no point in identifying with a specific party. Hell, some people may think I’m a Democrat. The reality is that the two predominant parties in the US seem to want to be polar opposites. Parties often forget the majority of Americans are somewhere in the middle. The extremists are the ones making headlines. Reality is we’re all somewhere close to the middle, some right middle and others left middle. It’s my firm belief that either extremists are crazy. Maybe not need to see a psychiatrist crazy, but irrational and often too opinionated to even try to see the other side. ESPECIALLY in the Republican party these days, Republican extremists are so frigid in their positions they feel like they’re the only correct ones in the world and anyone who doesn’t see eye to eye has no place in the Republican party. Granted, I don’t pay much attention to the Democrats and their party infrastructure, I am just disappointed in my own party. If I were a Democrat I think I’d probably be disappointed in them too – probably for other reasons, but disappointed just the same.

Now that we’ve had more personal political ideology discussion in one paragraph than in the history of this blog, it’s time to head back on topic.

As I searched the rest of the tables in Barnes & Noble I found a misplaced book – “I Can’t Believe I’m Sitting Next to a Republican”. Now, I had JUST been looking at books with mismatching titles AND I have not been too pleased with the Republican party as of late I misinterpreted the subject matter. Under the title reads: “A survival guide for conservatives marooned among the angry, smug, and terminally self-righteous”. What I read was: “A guide to survive conservatives – the angry, smug, and terminally self-righteous”. Obviously I need to pay more attention to what I see. Aside from that, my interpretation of the reading front cover gave me the feeling it was from a liberal point of view. As sad as it may be, I think of the far right as angry, smug AND terminally self-righteous. I guess I just sort of read what I wanted to see.

I was SO excited to read how the “other” side interpreted conservatives. In working with others of different mindsets I feel it’s important to understand the opposition. I’m a nerd and really like reading about political ideology. As a Republican, I want to know how Democrats see the GOP. In any tiff don’t you want to see how the other sees you? I do, it helps you understand and overcome your difficulties.

When I got home I re-read the books cover and backside. It should have keyed me in when I saw FOXNews.com gave a raving review….one which is completely exaggerated. ‘Author Harry Stein has prepared a primer for people who are locked in political exile in their very own homes.” – FOXNews.com’ Statements like this are what piss me off about Republicans. Really? Political EXILE??? Could we overreact ANY more?!?!

Guess I’ll be heading back to Barnes & Noble to return it. I can’t tell you how disappointed I was when I found out the true meaning of the book. While I can only make general observations and base my opinions on those, since I will not be reading the whole thing, it sounds nothing more than a “poor me” commiserating piece of work. Republicans don’t need to throw a pity party, whining to the world and exclaiming the awfulness and outrageousness the other side.

Since I have no intention of adding the book to my library, I feel it wouldn’t be right to read it first. Since I purchased it…not borrowed from the actual library. And maybe I’m being too judgmental too quickly. (Yes, I realize this goes 100% away from my ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’ comment earlier) I only feel it’s the right thing to do. I HAVE read the long backside description…which I should have read more thoroughly IN Barnes & Noble. Based on the little investigation I’ve done, I have no interest in reading it. If there’s someone out there who thinks I SHOULD read it and am misunderstanding its true purpose – PLEASE correct me. I have no desire to sound arrogant or rude or so opinionated I refuse to accept any other idea. In reality, I rarely share my opinions because I don’t want to dissuade someone from sharing theirs. It’s very important to me to be open to other ideas, methods and beliefs – no ONE answer is 100% correct – we’re human, not a one of us is perfect. Wouldn’t you want to be given the opportunity to see another way? To learn something that may change your opinion? To potentially avoid looking ignorant and arrogant?

…I’m fairly certain no one wants to look like a moron. So please correct me if I sound like an asshole.


Eves

It has come to my attention Christmas has been rather greedy. Christmas is Christmas, but Christmas eve is just the day before Christmas.

I think this is very silly. I don’t celebrate Thanksgiving eve. And I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who neglects the fourth Wednesday of November.

Try as I may, I have not dissuaded anyone from celebrating the eve of Christmas. SO, I’ve come up with the perfect solution! We just need to celebrate our birthday eve’s too!

Thankfully I have two and a half months to plan my birthday eve extravaganza! I think it’s a brilliant idea, my family didn’t seem to think it warranted any great celebration…but a few friends have recognized its sheer genius. (By the way, it took me three tries to figure out how to spell ‘genius’ – don’t judge)

In other news, diabetes has a new nickname. Dickhead diabetes. It’s fitting right now. I have spent about three consecutive hours the last two days, at different times of day, below 55. At one point I was 35. On Friday I spent a good 6 hours above 350. Saturday went really well, til I wanted to get some sleep. Once it’s up it’s SO irritatingly challenging to get it down. And once it’s low…it takes FOREVER to come up. It’s exasperating. I feel like I’m not even carb counting anymore. Just correcting with food sometimes and insulin the other. If I want my “plan” to come into fruition, diabetes needs to get his butt in gear and get it together. My plan will not work if I’m rollercoastering all day long.

Also, when I’m high the pain I experience in my abdomen is horrific. Awful. Terrible. All other ‘bad’ words. It doesn’t help me cope with the highs any better. I need to get back to eating very small meals through the day and if I want a treat of some kind (a large meal or more than a bite or two of dessert) I need to have some time to allow for being sick. The most frustrating part is that I know all of this…but have a hard time remembering when it comes to meal time. I really want…and need to go back to eating how my body seems to like eating.

I know I can do whatever I want to do when it comes to food. But I also have to deal with the consequences. The more simple the meal, the less my digestive system hates me. The lower the carb, the higher the rate of in-range levels. These are basic facts…if only I can drill them in my head. I was doing pretty well about eating early, so that if it didn’t agree with me, Crohn’s or diabetes, I have some time before bed to deal with it. The holidays have completely screwed with me. My mom’s health has also messed with this. I’ve been making more family meals…and my family will not accept a piece of fruit as a meal. Or some vegetables. Or a piece of cheese. I don’t blame them for the inability to accept those options as a meal. But when I’m making a meal I want to eat it too. I don’t want to prepare two separate meals. Before I was helping this often in the kitchen I made my own meals most days. That was only for myself though. Anyway, now that the holidays have mostly passed, I’m hoping I can get back on the right track. My body needs to be mostly happy by January 17th…which means I need to immediately get my act together. Hopefully I can keep this in mind throughout the day.

Sorry this is a pretty non-celebratory, un-topic-ed post. It’s late (or early depending on how you look at it) and I’m dealing with wacko sugars again. I felt like writing was a good use of my time. :)

Even though I haven’t been in much of the “Christmas spirit” – I hope you all had a lovely time with your family’s and friends.


Man With A Plan

Except I’m not a man, but that’s the saying, who am I to change it?

I think, and hope, I may finally be starting to get things together. A plan. Some structure. A light at the end of a tunnel.

Part of me wants to divulge my plan. But, so many of my “plans” have fallen through, I kind of want to wait until I’m more certain. Things aren’t quite settled yet. A few doctor’s appointments and a couple planning meetings. HOPEFULLY, I’ll have cemented said plan by the end next week, or the first week in January. I’m really hoping to have some remedies and approvals, that will allow the plan to move forward.

Have I mentioned I’m a planning addict? I am. I like schedules. I like checklists. I like to know what I’m doing and in what order. I like to see where things are headed. I like structure. This turns into a challenging combination, because I also like spontaneity and dislike rules. It usually works like this: I like to have a plan, but each plan is an adventure and never goes exACTly according to plan, so my plans have wiggle room. When it comes to rules…I have absolutely not problem with rules, so long as I understand the reason and rationale to the rules. I know it’s not the best characteristic, I do, admitting it helps me though. When given a rule I know to ask questions if I don’t understand its purpose.

It would be SO nice to finally be moving forward. I HATE never having a reason to leave the house or even wear decent clothes or do my hair. I’ll be the first to acknowledge my love of naps and need for rest, but I like having things to do – a healthy balance between the two. The last few months…or maybe even year(?) have been really rough. Rough on my body and my mind. It’s so easy to get bogged down by all the things not going right. Easy to bury yourself in all your shortcomings, easy to lose sight of what you want and even a bit of who you are. Life can be cruel and unfair. But even those miserable times can create goodness. It’s a big pain in the ass to see the good while you’re in the midst of it all. Most often it feels impossible. When you finally start moving forward it’s much easier to see the positive results of the misery. And right now I need that. I NEED to know this rut won’t last forever. I need to know I am capable of having a social life and succeeding. I need to start being a good friend…and stop feeling the need to apologize for being such a mess and so down all the time. I need to be able to have stories about my day. (Okay, I know not everyone needs stories, but I love them. I LOVE observing my surroundings and having random things happen throughout my day – to have mini adventures. For whatever reason it makes me appreciate life…and people)

So hopefully this plan is a plan and not a fairytale. Time will tell…and hopefully time will be quick about it. :)


My Heart Told My Head: This Time No

Don’t you just LOVE Mumford & Sons? I fell in love with their music a while back.

I’ve loved this song (Winter Winds) since first listening. “My head told my heart ‘let love grow’ – But my heart told my head ‘this time no, this time no’. How many times to our head and heart contradict themselves? I feel like it’s a constant battle. Sometimes it’s best to listen to your heart and others your head – and a lot of the time you can’t tell which.

Anyway, I’m listening to them right now, thus the inspiration.

It’s pretty fitting too. I feel like I’m always contradicting myself. Listen to this or to that. Do this or do that. Try this or try that. But, life is not lived well when you try, listen and do this and that. If you do, you spend your life in a constant race. Don’t get me wrong, I am opposed to complacency. There is a time and a place for change. It doesn’t need to be constant, especially when it’s your only consistency.

It’s been a LONG time, long enough for me not to remember anymore, since I’ve finished something. I’ve finished books, blogs, movies (sometimes), makeup, showers, days, etc. What I mean is that I haven’t made a decision and STUCK with it. Relationships – I get bored or I am so closed off for too long for it to turn into anything before it’s over. School – it’s an embarrassment to even try to divulge the whole story there. The longest I’ve stayed at a job is 14 months. The longest I’ve lived in one residence continuously is six and a half years, from my birth until December 1992. I’ve taken lessons in six different instruments, but am great at none of them. I’ve taken classes in German, ASL, Latin and Spanish and am fluent in not a one. I change my hair color all the time, I’m going to try keeping it this color for a while, I like it and hopefully will not get bored. You could say I have commitment issues. It wouldn’t be a far off assessment.

People are usually awed by my “life story” that’s far from over (as far as I can tell). They usually make the observation that I’ve lived a lot of life in not so much time. It’s true. I have many many stories and experiences, none of which I would trade. Some of it has been hell. And some make up my fondest memories. Because I’ve lived a lot of life over a short period of time it means I’ve lived a lot but lack a great deal of experience. It’s pretty ironic that I have two incurable diseases – those aren’t going anywhere any time soon.

I’m going to try my hand at being a “good” patient and call the neurologist. If we’re able to come up with a remedy to my hand issues, I may consider finishing my esthetics program. I have just under half my hours. I’m not ready to commit to the idea, especially since I don’t know if it’s possible yet. It’s about time I finish something. And, really it’s something I enjoy. Maybe there’s some type of therapy I can do to keep the pain away? Who knows. It would be really nice to accomplish something.

Perhaps it’s my now nearly six month long slump that has inspired this thought. Maybe it’s the guy who told me something I don’t know how to hear. Maybe it’s my mom’s stroke and feeling like I’m behind where I should and want to be in life. Maybe it has to do with seeing friends and where they are professionally and relationally. Honestly, I think it’s a combination of all of it.

In August my uncle told me I have a world of opportunity, I am young – that I have more opportunity than he did at my age, because of some of the choices he made. I didn’t really believe him when he said it. I’ve felt like I am so limited in my opportunity, that everyone around me is progressing and I am falling behind.

Three years ago I visited the Cal Poly Republican club and ran into a guy who had been a year ahead of me at the same high school. He made the comment that I was so far ahead of where he was and a year younger. My being ahead was very short lived. I have enough sense to know everyone is on their own schedule and it frankly doesn’t matter who has what when. Life is an individual adventure.

Really, I’m just behind where I want to be. It’s not that I feel my friends are ahead, it’s a self assessment. Honesty is a jerk. But, it’s good to know. And it’s probably good that I have set a high bar for myself. I don’t think I have too many unreasonable expectations of myself. It’s time I stop digging a hole in the dirt to put my head in…that only works for so long.

In all honesty, I like change. I like the adventure of change. But I also desire security. Adventure and security are not mutually exclusive. Though, that’s been my mindset for far too long. I think I might have a new year’s resolution this year, even though I think they’re silly. For me, I like to evaluate myself every so often and give myself something I’d like to improve. There’s so much unknown in the world anyway, why not try to know what you are able?

Sorry, late night/early morning blogs never make much sense. They’re usually the result of my brain reeling for too long.


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