Category Archives: medication

A Good Day

Been feeling like they’re few and far between these days.

Oddly, Tuesday was a good day. Nothing spectacular happened, I didn’t do anything particularly exciting or important.

I got lost in Danville, not really I just forgot where I was going so I guessed and guessed wrong. Then I placed something in my head, only to see my head was wrong and reality was a bit different. However, the actual intended destination was near where I thought it had been.

My oral surgeon had to pull out a stitch that wasn’t healing…hurt like a…I don’t know what, but it hurt.

Stent is still annoying the crap out of me. ALWAYS feel like I have to pee! And there started to be more blood today:( Today I get it out though! Can I tell you how NOT excited I am about the procedure?!?! It’s big and goes from my kidney, through my ureter to my bladder. I will be AWAKE while he puts the hook in to pull it out! But I am glad it’ll be gone.

Had class, am WAY behind and it’s going to take a lot of work to catch up with all my classwork.

At work we mop up the dog pee, if they’re inside. It’s Pine-Sol and water. After my shift I have to clean the pee bucket and refill it for the next shift. I splashed it all over my arm, hair, shirt and jeans. DOG PEE! ON my face!!! I was able to change the shirt after work, but didn’t have time to shower or find another pair of jeans and I’m 99.99999% certain I smelled a lot like a dog in class. After class, around 10:30 I was finally able to get in the shower.

Dogs are dirty, I know…and frankly really don’t care. We only wear work/casual clothes…jeans & old t-shirts/sweatshirts. But I can, without a doubt in my mind, tell you getting pee/pine-sol/water/dog hair splashed all over myself is not terribly enjoyable…funny, yes…gross, definitely. I think I may have wigged out if it got in my mouth, but so long as it stays out of me I’m good.

Monday night I was talking with Jess about forgetting diabetes stuff, I KNEW I would need to refill my pump at work Tuesday morning. I TOTALLY forgot my insulin! Thankfully it ran out towards the end of my shift and was able to go straight home, but waking to 312, dropping to around 90 at work and then popping right up to 344 was a bit exhausting.

Perhaps it was a good day because I was productive and actually tired. It’s a great feeling to be not only mentally in need of refreshment but physical too. There are so few opportunities for our society to be active in the workplace. Yeah, I hang out with dirty, slobbery, LOUD dogs all day…but I’m moving around, playing, cleaning. It’s not like I’m making a major (or any) contribution to society, but I’m making the dogs have a better day. Dogs are rarely as rude as people can be, they’re always grateful of your attention, they’re forgiving…and they take your mind off all the shit going on in the “real” world.

It’s hard to imagine anyone wanting to be a friend: I’m flaky and have to cancel last minute more times than I’d like, there’s CONSTANTLY something not right, hospital staff and pharmacies know me, I take meds that can mess with my ability to be completely with it, exhausted should be my middle name, eating out is beyond difficult, there’s always some conflict with my health and my family…I am starting to be more okay with this reality.
It’s my life, I can deal with it (most days)…but it’s really hard to “deal” with anybody else’s stuff too. I don’t say it to be selfish, honestly, just as a friend I’d like to be there for a friend as much as they are for me. Some days, that’s not a possibility. On the other side is that my life comes with a bunch of crap, most people have enough to deal with without me contributing anymore. I don’t mean petty drama or anything, but as a friend you care for your friends…when they’re having a hard time you want to be able to listen. A few friends understand and I love them for it. But there are others who get mad when I have to cancel, get pushed out of shape when I don’t respond quick enough, treat me like porcelain or think my limitations are just made up. If only they knew how much my limitations piss me off, I LOVE having a million things going on, tight schedules daily, etc but it’s just not me anymore. It’s okay I’m not, but it’d be nice to have other people on board, not to mention the poor responses make me feel worse about not being as capable.

Well that was a long rant in attempt to say, dogs don’t care what crap you have going on, they always like you. At one point on Tuesday I had 2 dogs on my lap, one between my feet, and two on each side trying to beat out the other for my attention. I definitely get tired of cleaning up poop and pee, breaking up rowdy dogs and hearing the deafening barking of some dogs…however, it can be incredibly therapeutic. It’s almost always chaotic, but a soothing chaos. Crazyness.

I’d love to have more good days, less sick ones. I think I cherish my good days more than I used to, it’s nice to feel like not such a disaster.


Take What You Can Get

I started a post on Feb 11th and never finished. It had a great title and everything: “The Dog Days are Over”. It was wrong, I think they’d only just begun.

February 11th I had two new pieces of information: (1) I was surprised with a new dog for my sister. A 10 month old Husky. Her name is Kaya and she’s every bit a puppy. (2) I FINALLY got a job! I was hired the same day we got the dog…and my new job is working with dogs. My official title is “Dog Handler” – I play with dogs, keep them well-behaved and end any fights. With the little dogs I end up cleaning poop, mopping pee my whole shift and with whatever time is left, I pet them. With the large dogs, I keep them from killing each other…not really, they just rile each other up and it’s my job to keep them settled…somewhat. They’re allowed to play, however, a lot of the dogs are right around Kaya’s age and get too excited. By the end of the three hours all the dogs are exhausted and most are stretched out on the floor.

So, there was going to be a whole blog about that…but now there’s more…

Did I mention my root canal finished? It failed. The tooth was pulled. I now have a lopsided mouth. It still bleeds from time to time, but the surgeon thinks it looks good so it’s not a problem.

Last Friday I made my first visit of the year to the ER. Thursday night around 9pm I started feeling pain in my right abdomen. By 11p I thought I was dying…perhaps a bit melodramatic, but I was in a LOT of pain. I tried going to the bathroom, but couldn’t and it didn’t really feel like Crohn’s pain, but I thought maybe. Then I tried a shower, didn’t work at all. Tried a heating pad, no luck there either. Finally I took some pain medication…which I don’t like to do because it tends to mess everything up with my Crohn’s. Then I was afraid to go to sleep because I didn’t want the pain medication to wear off and wake up in such searing pain. I had thought my doctor’s office opened at 7am so I planned to call then, turned out they opened at 8:30a, so I called the on-call doctor at 6:45a. She recommended I go to the ER, she felt it may be Crohn’s related and waiting to see the doctor, ordering the CT, getting the CT and seeing the results would take too long and it was a Friday after all.

So I told my parents where I was going and went on my merry way. There were three of us in the waiting room, I was the third…though I was called in first. (A bonus of having diabetes). The ER doctor felt I may need my appendix removed so he ordered a CT to find out. I survived my very first enema and did “well”…whatever that means. Turns out my appendix is just fine, for now. However, I had a number of kidney stones. They gave me more IV pain meds and sent me on my way. After a short spat with my mother regarding my ride home, I called my PCP’s office and asked for a referral to a Urologist. Then there was another short spat and a trip to the pharmacy…and then another pharmacy because no one carries PercoTAN anymore. My mother dropped me off at home with the THREE dogs and she and my sister left for the day.

Before they left Kaya of course got out because my sister needed to say goodbye to her 5 times and standing on the other side of the gate was unacceptable. Kaya then sprinted around the neighborhood. She finally came back and she was put in her crate. She screamed, cried and yelped…while I was trying to get the urologist to fit me in that afternoon.

I still couldn’t drive, my dad was coming home from work but was still an hour away and I had a friend I’d just canceled on…so I called her. The urologist could only fit me in if I could make it there by 2pm…which was 40mins away. I walked a half a mile down the street…in the pouring rain, met my friend on the corner, she dropped me off at the appointment and my dad met me there. Before leaving for the appointment my tooth started bleeding again. As my friend was driving I called the oral surgeon…he wanted to see me too. So I told him I could meet him at 3pm and explained the ER/doctor situation in a very abbreviated form.

Urologist showed me my CT, I had two large kidney stones and about 10 others in the right kidney and one in the left. He informed me I had a choice to have surgery done or not, but since I was at a higher risk of infection and already have inflammatory issues it was possible I’d need emergency surgery done. If I scheduled the surgery I could avoid another ER visit. …with my luck I thought it best to schedule the surgery. If I passed the stones over the weekend I could call Monday to cancel, otherwise Tuesday was the surgery.

Tuesday came, I had a morning appointment with my neurologist. That was lovely. I have another medication and “condition” or maybe he said “syndrome” but he told me it wasn’t technically a disease…essential tremors. The new med is Propranolol, a beta-blocker. Yay, just what I wanted! Another medication and another “condition”…I think I’ve had enough, thanks though.

Writing about this is depressing…I’ll be 25 in 13 days. It’s not time for my annual “yearly rundown”…but I’ve now had surgery, 2 in fact, am on more meds than I can usually remember, have three chronic conditions and two progressive conditions…2 more than I had last year….more doctor’s visits, more sleep, less life…I’ll shut up now…

So after the Neurologist appointment I went home, grabbed a few things and left for the hospital. I checked in at Noon, my surgery started around 3:30 and I left the hospital around 6:20p. My dad then took me to CVS to get the new medications and then we went home.

I’ve since spent the week peeing blood. I now know what it’s like to have an aching kidney. They put a stent in to prevent it swelling shut…thus the achy kidney. The pain lasted through Saturday. The pain medication has now screwed with Crohn’s and I’m in that kind of pain now…which pain meds will only make worse.

There is a med that is causing me to be really anxious before bed…I’m hoping it’s the pain meds and that’ll go away now that I’m not on them anymore. I’ve finished the antibiotic and the stop bleeding med…but didn’t take the flomax. I can’t really explain why, I think I’m just tired of having weird issues and weird medications and didn’t want to take a med intended for aging men with prostate issues. It’s a dumb excuse, but I think we all have a tipping point, and that was mine.

As a result of the hospital stay I now have three nasty bruises from the attempts at locating a vein for my IV. My sugars have gone batshit crazy…so it’s not just Crohn’s acting up. At least Crohn’s had the decency to wait til the surgery pain had subsided. We can’t always live in a perfect world, gotta take what you can get.


Diabetes is a big fat liar

After you’re diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, medication has a whole new definition in your life.

Insulin is not an optional medication. It’s optional if you consider death an option, and I don’t.

As a kid our doctor (on the rare event we went to one) would write scripts, my mother would tell the doctor she’d fill them, never fill them and not return to the doctor until the law required it. Type 1 isn’t that lenient.

I see my doctors as often as they’d like to see me, or as close as possible. And I diligently take my medications as directed. I think at last count I was on 11 or 12 meds. When you’re on that many drugs your options are limited for additions, there’s a likelihood some meds will counteract others.

I haven’t had a paycheck since the end of October. The government is paying my tuition. My family is helping me with the rest. Diabetes and Crohn’s are expensive and require constant attention. Knowing money was tight for my parents I opted to take two of my medications twice a day instead of the prescribed 4 times.

My thought process was that I can cut those, at least I’m still getting some of the medication. Insulin is not an option. Metformin I have some backstock. Welbutrin, I’m not messing w/ my antidepressant usage. Imuran, it’s been the most helpful and I only take it once a day. Entocort EC…I’m almost out of that too. Nortriptyline, I’ve had BAD experiences weaning on and off my nerve meds so I didn’t want to do that & there’s no way to take a half dose. I can’t think of the rest but Pentasa and Dicyclomine got the cut. I am supposed to take 2 pills four times a day of Pentasa and one four times a day of Dicyclomine. I can live without that, right?

Well, I’m alive. But between my mouth, clusterfuck of sugars right now and the reemergence of severe cramps and nausea I’m not alive very happily.

And I know it’s not their fault for the timing, but with the stupid CWD forum from yesterday (and today? I’m not sure) I feel inadequate. It’s me, it’s not them. I’m allowing myself to feel this way. But, I feel like I’m saying “poor me” and I really don’t mean to. Everyone’s life is different and everyone has different shit they have to deal with. I don’t have a great family network to be able to vent and express, so here it is. It may not be the smartest idea to divulge so much information of how I “feel”…in person that’s the last thing I talk about. I prefer fact.

…which pisses me off more, I don’t like all this feeling crap. Feeling sick, feeling damaged, feeling useless, feeling behind, feel, feel, feel. I’d prefer to not feel, thank you very much. It’d be really nice to NOT feel like I’m a failure at trying to figure out my dumbass digestive system, how and when it digests and metabolizes what and knowing what my sugars do and are supposed to do. Why can other people figure it out and I can’t?

Off the feelings topic and now to why diabetes is a liar:

Diabetes tells you it’s the most important, it’s first. You MUST take your diabetes meds over any others.

Crohn’s meds are just as important. If your digestive system decides not to work your insulin regime is going to be all over the place. Sometimes the carbs peak at a “normal” time, some postponed…without any real regularity…unless you count a different story at every meal as regular.

Diabetes may be a big pain in the ass, but don’t let it fool you into thinking it’s more of a pain in the ass than certain other diseases, in my case Crohn’s.

Sometimes Crohn’s has to win…ex: my pain med options
Diabetes gets to win other times…ex: eliminating some pain med options b/c I NEED to use my dexcom and refusing to add ANOTHER steroid to the regime. There’s no way in hell I’m taking two steroids at once again…all the help the steroids do goes to shit if I can’t keep my sugars fairly moderated b/c it makes my stomach cramp with EVERY damn food.

Diabetes, you’re a big pain and I hate you. I hate you for the kids with T1, for the people trying to be a responsible and “normal” adult, for the parents who have the kids with T1.

Despite diabetes being an attention whore, I’m kind of scared to go to my GI on the 15th. It’s an earlier than originally planned appointment and I can’t see my regular PA. She said I need to meet with the doctor because she honestly doesn’t know what to do anymore. So, awesome, that’s encouraging. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? ..aside from being scared.

And I’ll shut up right now, or I’ll just add more profanities.


San Jose Sharks

I would say 95% of the people who read this didn’t know me in high school. Had you, you would have known I was a huge fan of hockey and the SJ Sharks aka my potentially unhealthy obsession. I mean, I don’t think it was THAT bad…but my mother definitely did.

Most junior high and high school girls had posters of NSYNC, 98 Degrees (that was the Nick Lachey band, right?) or Backstreet Boys…I had one poster I bought with some friends at the mall of Backstreet Boys. I didn’t purchase it because I liked them; I purchased it because as far as I could tell most of my friends were Backstreet fans over NSYNC. In addition to my one Backstreet Boys poster, I had a wall and a half (if I remember correctly) covered, no white wall showing through kind of covered, in hockey pictures.

My high school English speeches were almost always hockey or Sharks related. I studied the game: its history, rules, changes, expansions, player contracts, player association-league relationships. In my planner I had every game color coordinated (I’m still a girl lol) schedule written in, at the completion of the game I’d fill in the new team standings as well as scores, basic player stats, hits, shots on goal, etc. On game days I made sure to wear Sharks memorabilia and usually donned something Sharks related on other days. I begged my parents to let me go to as many practices as possible, they’d let me around 2 times a month. I have ALBUMS of player pictures. Albums wouldn’t be such a big deal if I had enough other pictures to create albums of those too…but I don’t. The ONLY full albums I have are filled with Sharks pictures.

In high school I was not at all in the “cool” group of kids. I wasn’t really in a group. Kind of a loner I guess. I had a couple close friends the first two years, a semester in a different school and acquaintances the remaining year and a half. My parents were also pretty strict so I didn’t have a lot of opportunity to enjoy extracurriculars…outside of school sponsored extracurriculars. Now that we have a basic understanding of my “fanship” and lack of a social status in high school…I would regularly be stopped by jocks to discuss Sharks news/scores/standings. Yep, that was how people kind of related to me…well the jocks, not so much other people lol. People really didn’t know much about me, which was sort of my fault I suppose, I was pretty quiet…aside from my teal clothing.

THEN…I moved out. And then moved back in. It’s a whole long story that really shouldn’t be blogged about. But when I moved out I left with a hockey room, when I moved back in I had yellow walls, porcelain dolls displayed daintily and a floral bedspread. Upon my return it was loudly expressed that hockey was too much of an obsession. I watched games, but I wasn’t allowed to yell/cheer/talk at the TV or at the games. AND, I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my hockey friend anymore. That was during the 02-03 & 03-04 seasons.

The strike…it was horrible. I was diagnosed with Type1 diabetes in August 2004. The lockout began Sept 2004. Then came the onslaught of medical confusion. And in May 2005 I moved to AZ. I didn’t have a tv for most of the 05-06 season. For the remainder of the 05-06 and all of the 06-07 season I didn’t have cable.

In May 2007 I moved back to California. By the time hockey season started the Sharks were almost an entirely new team-the albums of photos I had hardly resembled the team…AND I was working CRAZY hours. I was working on the campaign, there was no time to watch. There were the late night highlights and newspapers, but that was it. January 2008 I was out of the campaign and I no longer got Fox SportsNet. Thankfully the guy I was dating at the time was a sportsfan too and I could watch with him.

Between the end of 07-08 and the start of 08-09 I kind of took a break from sports in general. I guess I was worn out. As avid of a fan I had once been before, I guess I was worn out from paying attention to so many and scheduling around it. It was kind of nice not to care about every college football team…it helped that my Michigan Wolverines were PAINFUL to watch. By last Spring I was ready to end my break. It’s weird, I know, I don’t really know a better way to explain it. I think I just needed a break from NEEDing to know what was happening in the sports world. It was nice to just not know for a while, but because I really do love sports, I didn’t need too long of a break. In early 10 I wanted to know what was going on again, I missed sports. So lame…I don’t think any guy sportsfan would really think that way or have that issue, but whatever. I don’t think I’ve ever claimed to be exactly “normal”.

April 10 sent me to Idaho. I kept a few tabs on baseball over the summer and followed the NHL playoffs as best as possible. This past August I came back to California: sick and unemployed. Just in time for hockey. :) The NHL didn’t fail me this time. So, despite my lack of ability to watch my (VERY different) team on TV, I’m glad to listen. I’m happy to have the opportunity to follow them, just because they’re the team I’ve loved for nearly 15 years.

So it’s taken me a couple hours to type this, not because it took a lot of thought, I get distracted easily. But I can promise you I didn’t really mean for this to sound as sappy as it has come out. lol, oops. I’ve mentioned sports movies are the only ones that can make me cry, right?

Anyway, the real point to all this: it’s SO easy for people who regularly identify with being a “patient” to get caught up in just that, being a patient. We go on and on about how there’s so much more to us, but it’s taken a lot of effort lately for me to think of myself as anything but a patient. I see friends a couple times a month, usually hiding how crappy I feel; see doctors regularly; talk to the state and schools about disability related stuff – SO much of me is about being a patient.

Last Saturday (the day the Sharks broke the losing streak!! & my first full game all season-watching) was one of those days where I bucked up and saw a friend. I saw a friend I hadn’t seen since high school – before I was a T1, before I had Crohn’s…or a stupid root canal that won’t heal. Halfway through watching the games (both football and then the Sharks) I realized how much had changed, but sports hadn’t. There was still that. It seems a little silly and more sappy than I like to admit, but it was nice. If you’re a sportsfan, it doesn’t matter if you’re a diabetic, accountant or bodybuilder.

We, in the DOC, always talk about meeting so many people we wouldn’t have otherwise. We come from different places, do different things, are different ages, have different family’s and a lot of different interests. It’s something I think about all the time. But the Sharks or Wolverines or whatever team fans have that in common. You can be SO different, but it brings you together.

Going to practices so long ago, you met SO many different people. Old, young, in between. I went to a Sharks practice with a friend and my sister where the team was away traveling but the injured players were still skating; they invited the three of us and the couple others there to skate on the ice with them. I mean, it’s cool. You can go to a different state and meet a fellow fan and suddenly have a great conversation.

Maybe it’s me and I’m blind and just completely missed the similarity. I think the difference with the DOC and Crohn’s patients (I swear I need to come up with a word b/c it sounds stupid and cold…the other option is I could just move on…) is that we initially connect because of our disease and become friends; and then mention their disease casually as you discuss life. Reality is, our lives are filled with our disease. Not that it’s who we are, but that it’s something always on our mind. That’s not to say it’s always on the forefront of our minds, but it’s there. Knitters, sportsfans, gamers, athletes, car people (can you tell I’m not one? lol), whatever you’re into: most of the time you connect to “do” whatever it is you’re interested.

Does that make any sense? Maybe, hopefully, it at least does to people with chronic diseases.

Before I got on the second mushy-yay-DOC topic, I meant to say: I hope I start writing about more than my health. It doesn’t look like that’s getting any better ANY time soon (or in the long run), I should expand my horizons. I mean it kind of (actually REALLY does) sucks right now. Doctor told me on Friday that “we’re not actively controlling” my disease. She also said I should probably see the actual doctor in a couple weeks; I typically see the PA. Also my mouth is still swollen, still hurts and is still infected, I’m on a new, stronger, antibiotic. I guess for a while the Sharks had a bit too much attention and now I feel like my stupid health has too much attention. It isn’t going anywhere, so I’m just going to have to expand my attention giving capacity.


You Can’t Escape Reality For Too Long

It seems there’s always something to say with diabetes and Crohn’s. So, no hair talk today. Just plain and simple health jabber. Though, I wouldn’t say it’s simple at all, when it comes to me…my health is rarely simple. Diabetes and Crohn’s make that a near impossibility.

My root canal is complete. They’re not sure if it’s successful. They won’t be able to determine its success until they try to put a crown over it. If it’s failed, the tooth will ooze some kind of substance. If it fails, I need it removed. They’re hoping a couple more days will eliminate the infection on the side of my gum. I have my doubts, it’s been there for 3 years and I’ve been on numerous rounds of antibiotics. The crown is going to cost $831. I have NO idea how I’m going to come up with that.

I called my GI office Tuesday and they’d like me to come in because of the bleeding. I go tomorrow, Thursday. Not really sure what they want to do, I was there last week.

Thursday was supposed to be my endo appointment. Since I don’t really have a dire need of going, in the grand scheme of things, I moved it to February 7th. Hopefully by then I’ll have a paycheck so I can afford my $40 copay.

Financial/family stress is a bit high. They are burdened, as I have no means to paying for my health needs. They did say they’d help me, when I came back, but it’s still been a burden. Their apparent burden burdens me. I know I’m getting help my sister isn’t getting. I know they have their own financial needs to meet. I know they don’t appreciate western medicine the same way I need it. I know they don’t approve of my medical choices. It makes me appreciate their help more, but it makes me feel even worse for accepting it.

Breathe in, breathe out. One day at a time, things will change…they sure as hell better improve when they do too. Or at least I really, really hope they do :)


Do You Paint Your Toes ‘Cause You Bite Your Nails?

I love this song. I loved it more when I paid attention to the lyrics; b/c I totally do that. I also paint my toes because I feel like I have perpetually wet nails when I have my fingernails painted.

On to slightly more interesting topics…

I’m in my last 24 hours of a three-part root canal. Two Thursdays ago I went to my new dentist. This is gross, sorry: in late 2007 I developed a nasty puss filled blister on my upper gum. I was told pulling my wisdom teeth would resolve the problem, so I started the process of getting those out. Then I changed insurance. In August/September 2009 I was in so much pain I needed my upper wisdom tooth removed immediately. They started me on antibiotics and pulled the tooth. All was supposed to be well. March 2010 I had another tooth infection and needed another wisdom tooth pulled; I opted to pull the remaining three. My dentist thought I may (keyword: MAY) need a root canal in the tooth in front of my initially removed wisdom tooth eventually (another keyword: EVENTUALLY). In the mean time, I needed a deep root cleaning. So, I used the remainder of my dental insurance and had the deep root cleaning done. April-August 2010 I was in Idaho. When I came back and had seen my GI, Endo & PCP I looked into getting my tooth fixed. November 2010: hello change of insurance, followed by holiday madness. January 2011, here we are. My new insurance approved dentist referred me to an endontist and I got an appointment for the next day, two Fridays ago. They take pictures of my teeth and tell me they can’t start the root canal yet, I have to be on penicillin first. She could start the procedure Monday. So, Friday I started the antibiotic and came in Monday morning. It took at least an hour to numb the correct area of my mouth and they started drilling. My doctor then told me I have an “interesting” tooth. JUST what I wanted to hear. She told me my tooth was black inside, they needed to TRY and save the tooth, they’ll pack it with antibiotics and give me a temporary filling. If they cannot save the tooth I will fall into one of two categories: the tooth will need to be removed or I will need oral surgery of some sort. The waiting time for the antibiotics is a week, so tomorrow, the hope is, I will complete the root canal from hell. Continue reading


Draw Me A Map

Literally, that would be nice. But it’s my new song title titled post. Dierks Bentley…you can’t help but love his music.

Unless you’re my grandmother and uncle. My uncle just doesn’t like country…ask my grandmother if she likes it and she’ll lecture you on how it’s not even music, except the guitars. The guitar playing is music. I learned all this on Thanksgiving.

Wouldn’t it be great if life would give you a map for what you’re supposed to do and when and where you’re headed? I guess that’s the beauty of life though. If we knew what was happening when our brains would go to slush. Every once in a while I’d like a little enlightenment on where I’m headed though.

Going into today I had two legitimate job prospects. I now have one. I am really hoping I don’t bank on this one position and then lose the little bit of hope and motivation I still harbor if it doesn’t come to fruition. Which means, I need to obtain more job prospects.

If someone would like to assure me that I’m not the only one like this, it would be great: I am fantastic at looking for positions and creating a list of where I’d like to apply. However, I am not so great at actually applying.

I have issues counting on other people to help me out with everything going on over the last few months…more like over half a year. Mainly, my parents. I don’t like having to depend on them for pretty much everything. It’s the situation right now though, so I’m sucking it up and appreciating their assistance.

I guess I could use that as a motivator?

Anyhow, I’ve been pretty poor at posting anything lately. I’m tired of talking about the medical crap, health nonsense and overall rather challenging state my life seems to be experiencing. But, to be honest I really have nothing else going on. No money to do anything or go anywhere. I’m cleaning out stuff. My parents purchased a Wii for Thanksgiving. Apparently we do Thanksgiving gifts now. :) I’ve watched a lot of NCIS on USA and of course Law & Order SVU.

My blood sugars hate me and have taken the new pattern of going completely apeshit at random times of day and never two days in a row. I’m not really appreciating it. On Wednesday I had an interview and then went to Ikea for a bookcase, in between I ate lunch. On the way to Ikea, right after lunch, for which I took TWO units for a large deli sandwich on a dutch crunch roll, I dropped below 40. I started lunch at 150-160. I ate some Peanut M&Ms, because that was all I had in the car (I wasn’t driving, I promise). That didn’t help. Finally I stopped my pump. So for the first 30mins or so I had a pump beeping every 25mins reminding me that I had suspended the basal. THEN I had all sorts of double arrow up reminders. The one consistent issue with my blood sugars is that it takes forever to come up and forever to come down. If I can manage to stay below 150 and above 90 it’s a good day. Most days there’s at least one low or one high, all of which can take up to 3 hours to return to range. Three hours is a really long time to have a low…and a really long time to stay high. …I’d like a map for that too.

Aside from needing WAY more sleep than I’d like, Crohn’s stuff has sort of settled. Granted, I have only been eating once, MAYBE twice a day. Fruit and yogurt do NOT turn out well. It’s rather unfortunate, because that’s really what I’d like to eat. Instead it’s usually a bowl of healthy cereal with milk. Tonight was NOT good. My mom and sister wanted to go out…to Red Robin. I’d already had my cereal hours beforehand, but I figured I go anyway. Red Robin’s meal probably totaled more calories than I’ve consumed on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday combined and probably all day on Wednesday. It also contained much more grease than I’ve consumed in I don’t know how long. Needless to say, my body did not appreciate the indulgence. It was a bad choice because of all the fried food and because it was so much more than I’ve been consuming. If I have too big of a meal it makes me nauseous. So, I guess it’s not great, but it’s also pretty consistent, which I appreciate.

I would like some consistency in my life. I need to get myself on some form of a schedule. There is too much randomness for me to handle right now. It gets my head spinning…and then I get WAY too far ahead of myself, get stressed out and eventually I just shut off all forms of thinking.

When I have a built bookshelf, I will share. I am excited to have it up and books on it :) I have too many books and not nearly enough space. They currently stay in boxes, on a high shelf close to my ceiling, above my dresser and span across two shelves that spread the width of my closet. The bookcase has 6 or 7 shelves and will hopefully support my book addiction. …surprisingly I’ve been slacking in the reading area. I finished the last half of a book on Monday. I’ve yet to start another. It would be nice to finish Water For Elephants.

In spirit of the title I’ve given this incredibly random post, perhaps I’ll try to sort some things out and create a bit more structure and “map” out some kind of a daily schedule. Reading, Knitting, Cleaning, Job Looking, Being a Responsible Patient Who Takes Her Meds On Schedule, Waking Up, Hiking/Walking. You know, so I actually accomplish something in my 24 hours each day. Yay for working on a map. :) …or attempting it.


Go Away

Thursday was a weird day. I got up and Crohn’s wasn’t being a jerk and diabetes wasn’t misbehaving much either. But the biggest accomplishment of my day was putting away a few groceries, only the ones that needed to be refrigerated.

One might assume my lack of actually doing anything was due to depression. (The third D in my life) And I wouldn’t say you are completely off base. I’m also fairly certain I’m catching a cold, I have all the signs: sugars running low, stuffy on one side of my face, HORRIBLY itchy throat (wasn’t my tonsil removal surgery this Summer supposed to take care of that?), constant need to sneeze, major headaches and more I can’t quite remember right now. I can’t say I feel sad about anything…I’m a little angry that my body hates me so much it wants to give me a cold. It’s not like I don’t feel crappy every day, getting sick just makes things worse and more complicated.

I skipped an interview. It’s not as bad as it seems, I promise. I got a call Wednesday from the gym I used to work at, but a different location. They called to tell me they were having open interviews Thursday from 12-5p. I looked at the clock a bit before 12 and didn’t want to go right away, then when I thought about it again it was 4:45p. Maybe I got so excited about the idea of a “real” job that I didn’t want to go back. But at this point, a job is a job which gives me a paycheck. I also think that feeling off from this impending cold has made me a little apathetic.

Apathy is a big pain in the ass. I guess part of it is apathy, but I think I have a lot of, maybe, anger? A friend told me last week I deserved a break, for something to go right. And, I don’t know, I don’t feel like anything is going right. I’m overwhelmed. Most days I need a nap my 1p. Most days I’m in too much pain to want to do anything else. Or I’m up all night in the bathroom (or afternoon or morning, but mostly night). I almost feel bullied. Not by anyone else, but by my own body. And being bullied by your body is constant. It’s not like when you’re a kid in grade school where another teases you at recess. It’s all day, day in and day out. And it’s exhausting. It makes me feel like I can’t do anything. School is falling apart because I’m not going, because I feel to sick to go. I don’t have time to deal with my jerk of a body and life. Pharmacy, appointments, meds 4x/day, sickness…it’s a full-time job. My doctor told me my fatigue was normal with the amount of “things going on” in my body and life. But how am I supposed to handle the fatigue AND be able to do everything a productive quasi-adult is supposed to do? There’s too much on my plate and I don’t even have anything on it.

This post kind of sucks. But it’s November and it’s Diabetes, IBD and Manatee Awareness month, so I figured I should probably write something. If you made it this far in the post, thanks..and sorry, haha.

My PCP called…they actually want to re-check my urine before the 3 months is up and it has to be first thing in the morning urine. I told them I’ll pick it up today. I don’t know if I should be worried or not. I think I probably am worried, but not actively. Just in the back of my mind, like the tethering concern. I’m pretty sure that’s due to my plate being to full too. There’s no room for more worry.

I’d really like to just have the time and ability to have a life. I don’t need a full social calendar, just the ability to have a social calendar. I just want a break. I know diabetes and Crohn’s are here for the long haul, but they need to stop being so rowdy and bothersome. And my immune system needs to get its head on straight and stop attacking itself and attack the stupid cold germs I have contracted.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll have something more positive to say…or at least less cloudy, perhaps even sunny. Oh crap, it’s supposed to be recipe day. Guess you’ll get one on Saturday instead. And hey, there’s nothing negative about yummy food. :)


Really Rambly

Here’s the predicament. I’ve been thinking about writing a post about this specific problem, but I always back out of it. Either too scared, too tired, or too aware of what other people think. I text and call some friends about these problems…but I’m not sure I’d want everyone knowing about it. AND I’m pretty sure those select friends aren’t big fans of hearing it either, but because they love me they put up with it…or at least pretend it doesn’t really bother them.

Since I’m up right now partially because of said problem, I guess I’ll go for it.

Diabetes has this stigma of shame. We’re irritated with other people’s “should” comments on what we eat, do and want. Can’t eat this, that or the other thing. It’s my opinion that since insulin started with this feeling of shame (the first patient on insulin’s children didn’t even know she was diabetic!!), we’re still trying to break free from the past. However, I believe that the exhaustion and patience it requires answering or responding to the ignorant questions or comments has a lot to do with not talking about diabetes in public.

Crohn’s disease I don’t feel really has a feeling of shame. Most people don’t really know what it is, they’ve heard of it, but have no knowledge. But, in order to really talk about it, you have to talk about abdominal cramping, diarrhea, fatigue and bowels. Cramping CAN come up in conversation…usually between women; even then it’s not 100% socially appropriate. Fatigue is commonplace I suppose, there’s no strings attached really. Though, I’m fairly certain that people who have never suffered from fatigue can only just begin to understand the exhaustion experienced. Now we’re left with the topics of diarrhea and bowels. Maybe it’s just me, since I’m a newbie, but I’m not 100% comfortable writing about or conversing about either. My family doesn’t really like to hear about it, I’m fairly certain if they don’t others probably don’t either. If I don’t talk about it with my doctor then I can’t really tell them what’s going on with my body. And if I don’t talk about it then I can’t change anything.
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Happy November!

Happy Diabetes and Inflammatory Bowel Disease Awareness Month! Or as I like to call it, Happy Ashley’s Awesome Body Likes Chronic Diseases Month.

Not much to say, but I feel I should kick off the month with SOMETHING to say.

This weekend was BAD: bad food, bad choices, bad sugars, bad pain and bad exhaustion.

Friday started it. I was really sticking to the SCD eating regimen and loving it. I wasn’t feeling like I was missing out on a thing. Well, Peet’s sugar cookies maybe, but it really didn’t bug me. My dad has been telling me all week he’s a stress eater so he was constantly hungry (as of today his company no longer exists). I’ve been helping out in the office through the transition, since I moved from Idaho. We took an afternoon walk. And that’s when he bought me the damn cookie (the cookie mentioned in my last post). THEN we had burgers and fries for dinner before our movie, It’s Kind of A Funny Story – it was pretty good.

Saturday…it started pretty well. But then came the deli sandwich…in reality I had known I’d fold and get the sandwich at some point because I had a coupon for a free one, so I figured I’d just keep on eating SCD illegal foods while I was having an off day to begin with. We bought our Halloween candy at Target that afternoon…and THAT was tough. I’ve eaten WAY more than I should have, both Saturday and Sunday. AND I also managed to lose my pump clip somewhere between Whole Foods, lunch and Lucky (grocery store for tooth floss). Which is really annoying when I’m not wearing jeans.

We ran errands all day Saturday and I guess it wore me out! I slept nearly 14 hours!!! I went to bed pretty late…but getting up at 2:30P is WAY late. So, I wasn’t terribly productive. I started with SCD pumpkin pancakes. Then I made some SCD cashew bread…I think I’ll try almond next time…cashews are too fatty.

My stomach bugged me off and on all day on Sunday. But hopefully, and really I do hope and plan to, stick with the SCD legal foods all day Monday. When I stick with it my sugars are level and my tummy doesn’t feel quite so terrible. I’d really like to not feel sick at all, but that seems to be asking a bit much. PLUS, I need to know what to report back to my doctor on Tuesday…it would help if I were eating “normally”.

Also, my neck is KILLING me. It hurts to move. You know when your muscles hurt as you’re getting sick or if you have a bad cold or the flu? Yes, it’s THAT feeling.

Even more ridiculous than sleeping 14 hours…I was actually tired on Sunday night! By 11:30 I was half asleep. If you do the math I was awake for 9 hours. There has to be something off about that! I mean, really? I think you’re supposed to sleep MAYBE 9 hours and be awake the rest, not the other way around! Because I’d like to be “healthy” and feel at least a little bit normal, I’m trying to listen to my body. Sleep when it says sleep, eat when it wants to eat, etc. But, I don’t know how much I’ll be able to do being awake for that amount of time and tired for most of that!

I hope my eating will maybe help that too?


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