Back in 2008 I had my last Christmas with my Grandpa. It was a great Christmas. It was still at the point where everyone felt there was a chance his chemo treatment had been successful. Some thought it was inevitable it was his last Christmas with us. I wanted there to be more Christmases. His birthday was/is December 11th. That year I went up to where he and my Grandma lived at the time and we helped them set up for Christmas. I helped him set up their Christmas tree, the very same tree that is currently in my parent’s living room. My grandfather made Christmas so fun…well interesting I guess is the better word. He was the father of three sons and only had granddaughters. Each year he would pick out something just for each of his granddaughters, usually a piece of jewelry or clothing…something feminine. When he opened his presents he would start to zone out and even leave the room some years to go fiddle with his favorite presents.

We always celebrated with my grandparents on Christmas Eve, the Christmas Eves following his last have left me feeling a bit lost. In 2009 I refused to deal with it and spent the day playing Scrabble with a friend, went to Outback Steakhouse with my parents and then to a bar with a friend. In 2010 I’m not sure what I did…I know I played Scrabble with the same friend, after that I can’t recall. I am incredibly grateful to have a Christmas oriented Christmas Eve this year. Hopefully it will help me feel not AS mopey this year.

On the flip side, I am happy to remember that Christmas Eve. I am happy I was able to have a childhood with him as my grandfather. Happy is one word, but honored probably fits best.

This Sunday is the 11th. I’m not really sure what I’ll be doing aside from going to church. But wow, I’m not sure I’m prepared for it. I am not a terribly emotional person and my Grandpa shared his even less…yet when it comes to his birthday, Christmas, my birthday and his and my Grandma’s anniversary I turn into a big ball of tears, resulting in my feeling like I’m a huge ball of ridiculousness.

I love Christmas and the cold and the decorations and festivities…but when I slow down and think about past years I get all sorts of distracted and emotional…and then frustrated with myself for allowing it to happen. haha.

This has all been written during a plummeting blood sugar…which is one of the only other times I display emotions/cry/etc…I’m not mopey about it all and really didn’t intend to write something so negative. It sounds sort of negative, right? I think I’m just emptying my head…with lowbrain.

June 5th I got my new dog, Moyer. I love him to death. He’s adorable…and huge. Think Clifford the Big Red Dog, but black and an actual life size. Standing on his back two legs he’s taller than my 5’7″ sister.

I go to church again and am loving it. It was time, and I am grateful for grace.

I no longer have three jobs. I have one, full-time job. Moyer gets to come with me to work every day and it’s relatively close to home.

It’s been since late May since I was in the hospital.

I’ve now been diagnosed with Crohn’s for a year. It was a rough, rough year. Adding school, work, church & a social life into my routine hasn’t been easy. Almost two weeks ago now I saw my GI…I cried after. He put me back on flagyl, cipro & entocort. I felt like I was taking so many steps forward, only to take three steps back.  It didn’t help you could see the terror in his eyes when he found out I lose my insurance in March.

With the new meds and the Crohn’s acting up, my sugars have been all sorts of everywhere. It’s really quite annoying.

Toward the end of September I cut all my hair off. Not a buzz cut or anything, but my mother called it “butch”. Then toward the end of October I dyed it brown. I love it. It’s liberating.

Navigating a social life shouldn’t be such a challenge for a 25 y/o. But, between feeling completely un-cool and terribly socially awkward I don’t feel terribly comfortable socially. I love people…which is why I work with them, but at the end of the day I like my peace and quiet. Humans are social by nature though, so I feel it’s best to maintain some form of a social life…well first I need to start one. I’m not great at it, and usually feel quite weird and out of place, but I am trying. That sounds potentially very lame, I think I’m okay with that though. Between diabetes, Crohn’s, work, family, church, school and my own sanity, being social unfortunately doesn’t always rank high on my priority list after a long day or week.

Aside from hoping to become more comfortable socially, I’d really like to be able to eat again soon. By that I mean eat an entire meal and not feel like digging a 10ft hole to bury myself in within the hour. Currently, I can handle, barely, half a meal MAYBE twice a day. I eat so I can take my meds, otherwise I get even MORE sick. It’s really very annoying.

Also, I’d like to take a class on social implications, expectations and perceptions…apparently I’m not great at them.

That’s kind of a 6month wrap up. It’s more a “late on a Saturday night and my head has a million things going on and something needed to be spit out” wrap up. Let’s pretend I was trying to be more diligent with my blog and give an update though

I’ve become a more understanding person, a nicer person. I’ve become more accepting. I’ve appreciated more…people, nature, everything. There’s nothing to say some other event wouldn’t have taught me the same. If I didn’t have diabetes, after being diagnosed with Crohn’s disease last Fall I’m sure some of those traits would have been developed. Chronic conditions change people; some become bitter and some change for the better.

Diabetes was my springboard into social networking. Until recently most of my online activities and interactions have been diabetes/health/Crohn’s related. Diabetes allowed me to become part of an amazing family

10 – Carrying a Purse! Before diabetes I NEVER carried a purse. My back pocket served as my purse. Unfortunately my back pocket is not large enough to carry a meter, insulin, symlin & emergency sugar…I now carry a huge bag. I guess I’ll always have room now?

9 – Math: I love math and numbers. But I do not love its constant presence in my head. There’s a number attached to everything it seems and they’re always running through my brain.

8 – Having an Eating Disorder: I swear I feel like I have one. I feel like I obsess over food and meals. Factoring how Crohn’s friendly one food is and making sure it’s not TOO terrible on the diabetes side of things. I think food may be on my brain just as much as numbers…food is ever present. It’s incredibly irritating.

7 – Being Bionic Woman: I LOVE my pump and I’d have a TERRIBLE A1c if didn’t have my Dexcom. It also seems I need a phone. And my meter is never too far out of reach. THEN there are all the normal gadgets in the world: phones, people, other people’s gadgets. One thing beeps or vibrates and I go through all my devices to figure out which one is bugging me. It can be incredibly overwhelming. It’s worst when I’m watching TV, I don’t know what it is about the remote but it just ends up being WAY too much for me to handle. I almost always end up flustered. Come to thing of it, this may be why I no longer watch much TV…I’m usually in a bar or on my computer when I watch.

6 – Attentiveness: It’s really a good thing, but it just can be so damn overwhelming! I check my Dexcom ALL the time, I give myself insulin all the time, I examine every food I put in my mouth…or think about putting in my mouth. Without diabetes I could eat a pretzel and just eat a pretzel, now it’s all about ingredients and carb counts.

5 – Time: I wish I could say managing diabetes is a big waste of time. It’s certainly time I wish I didn’t have to dedicate to a stupid disease. But, it’s my livelihood; people say they don’t understand how I do it…do I have another choice? I am convinced I’d have SO much more time without diabetes; it’s a whole other job…one that doesn’t obey US and state labor laws.

4 – DOC: Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the DOC. You keep me sane. You are made up of amazing people. I have made some AWEsome friends due to our diabetes connection, and I’m sure we wouldn’t have met otherwise. I hate two things about the DOC. 1 – diabetes isn’t all that common in the “real world” so most of us have some pretty significant geographical distances to cross in order to see each other. It sucks. 2 – Your closest friends end up being on the opposite side of the country. People want to spend time with others who understand them, so DOCers become super close. I find it’s easy to become so focused on the DOC, who are amAzing, and neglect your personal life outside of a computer. I wish I had more friends that weren’t online.

3 – Insulin: The jerk makes me gain weight. If I lose weight it makes me nearly too low to function until I find the perfect changes in my rates. If I gain weight I suddenly have to change the rates. AND I hate my body can’t make it on its own.

2 – Types: I HATE the misconceptions and assumptions people make. Type 2 is different from Type 1, which is different from 1.5. I know it’s hard to educate society on something that’s not the most prevalent in the country. And I know it’s hard to educate society on a “type” that fewer deal with…but I SO wish there had been some specification when all the diabetes awareness/prevention collateral came out. I also wish they had different names…There are two types of Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD): Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis. Why couldn’t we have done something like that?!

1 – Fear: I hate that going to bed makes me nervous. I hate that one simple slip up could kill me. I hate the fear that comes every morning and afternoon…and any other time I open my mouth to eat…what if it screws up my sugars and I can’t perform well at work. Fear I fall asleep and don’t wake up and my family freezes and doesn’t know what to do. Fear of not having my needed supplies. Fear of my sites being ripped out and squirting blood all over. Fear of making someone else uncomfortable. Maybe it’s not fear as much as an anxiety I feel nearly all day.

So there you have it…I may have more, but these were the first 10 that popped in my head.

It was right after I had gotten my very first pump, I believe my first or second day. It was a MiniMed Paradigm 715…NOT waterproof. It was April, the only time you can lay out in the sun, by the pool, in Phoenix for any length of time. I was on the phone with a friend from California and wasn’t really thinking. I set my towel down on one of the lounge chairs, stayed on the phone and walked into the pool. About 20mins after wading my phone conversation was coming to an end, as was my entertainment in the pool. I took two steps up the stairs and realized my pump was still attached! Then I was running high, and there were water droplets in the see-through area. I called Medtronic and they sent me a pump the very next day! I felt like such a moron!

I had just moved in with a new roommate, I was rushing out the door to get to my night shift…a VERY busy Friday night. I took a shower, had removed my pump (I never made a water mistake again with my good old MM…unless you count sweat, but that’s a diff story) and rushed out the door. I get to work get all the workers working in the right places…and realize my pump is not attached!!! In traffic, on a Friday night, it took about 40mins to get to my work. It was NOT a convenient trip to make. My brand new roommate, and now best friend, drove up and gave it to me. I don’t know what I would have done without her help! My boss would have killed me!

My very first, you pissed me off. Really, you terrified me, but had I known what I know now I would have been livid. Granted, you had to deal with the crazy medical outlook of my mother. Yet you still called me and made ME cry. I was the patient, I was scared and it was ME who had to take a crash course in T1 diabetes. I wish you would have helped ME…despite the irritation and distraction of my mother.

Endo #2 – you diagnosed me in the ICU…or maybe it was the ER, I wasn’t conscious at the time. Originally I was very fond of you. You were former partners with Endo #1 and highly recommended him, yet I was willing to overlook my disastrous experience. Still new at diabetes and having no support at home as a teenager meant I really needed some handholding. I didn’t get any from you. However, the diabetes educator you referred me to was wonderful! She encouraged me to move to a healthier living environment. She taught me to count carbs correctly. She showed me her pump and encouraged me with her diagnosis story. When I ran into her five years later it was a pleasant experience. When I discovered your patient files on me a few months ago I read “ cannot help patient if patient will not help herself” – I was 18 years old (!!!), had ZERO diabetes education and a family who though it wasn’t diabetes, it was God teaching me a lesson….I needed a LOT of help.

Oh Phoenix Endo, how I loved you, you saved me. You and your staff helped turn my diabetes world around. I only got to see you because my roommate was terrified I’d die and she’d find me. She told her mom who knew you. You fit me right in when the normal wait was at least three MONTHS! You supported me, explained the numbers and ranges, listened to what I needed, accommodated me when I made stupid newbie mistakes….like running out of insulin in my pump at work. I honestly don’t know what would have happened without you. Before you I attempted to find an Endo on my own – he accused me of being pregnant and refused to do anything until I took a pregnancy test; I left and never returned.

Stanford Endo (#4) you turned my perception of California Endos around. You impressed me with your hands on help, respect and dedication. Some appointments lasted over three hours. I cried in your exam room. I had my first diabetic to diabetic, non-medical conversation. You were always willing to work out the numbers with me and make changes together. If I ever had a problem I could call any time of day, and not feel bad about it. You saved me my first night in Idaho.

Montana Endo, you were by far my favorite. You’re not all about the newest gadgets and medications other endos are trying out on their patients; yet you’re willing to try them out after some discussion on what’s best for ME. You respect natural remedies and are willing to build them into my medical maintenance plan. You found things and spent the time discussing each of the potential causes/diagnoses. I would love to move to the Missoula area, just to be your patient again. Despite my four and a half hour drive to get to you, you were always SO willing to help and work through any concerns and questions I might’ve had. You were also the very first to tell me I was managing my diabetes well and knew what I was doing and was free to make changes as I’d like; it was always okay to ask questions. I could take care of my diabetes management and he was always there to help. How could you not love a doctor like you?!?!

Even if we didn’t have a great doctor-patient experience, I am grateful for your help, because even if it was minuscule, you still helped.

A Grateful Diabetic

And I can’t forget my current Dr. Q…

Dear Current Endo,

You and I aren’t very close. You don’t know much about my Crohn’s medications and the effect Crohn’s has on my blood sugars and diabetes management. BUT, you are very willing to help me with any medication I may need. You are always on top of the newest technology and willing to let me try it out. I’m not sure I’d call you if I had a late night emergency…I think I’d call my PCP. Maybe in time I’ll trust you more. There’s nothing wrong with you or your staff, you’re all incredibly kind and helpful. You got me my Dexcom within weeks of my first appointment, you’ve set me up with a nutritionist tomorrow so that I can hopefully get a handle on diabetes AND Crohn’s friendly foods. I guess it seems you’re a little more chart/statistics oriented…you type all my info into your computer and seem to use it’s recommendations for to solutions to my struggles. When I brought up some concerns, you seemed a bit lost today. Again, I just don’t feel like we’re all that close…but there’s potential. You’re willing to help, when I call during the day I always get answers. When my insurance changed you were willing to work out a special contract and allow me to be seen. Starting a new endo is hard work, I’m incredibly grateful for your accommodations. I feel that we’ll work out well, and I feel l will continue to visit your office until I leave the area. …although I’m not sure I liked your mentioning the possibility of pregnancy…it’s that damn Phoenix tryout endo, he made me feel like a whore and I think I’m just sensitive to doctors considering that as a potential cause to my struggles.

I really hope I can see you for a long time and it will become more personal and my trust will grow.

Your Very Complicated Diabetic

I don’t read blogs as frequently as I’d like or as I should…or even as I used to. But when I get the chance to catch up, I usually make a trip over to Our Diabetic Life.

Coming from a family where my diabetes is not acknowledged, I think Meri’s family is amazing. I am in awe of every parent of a diabetic who gets involved with their kid’s diabetes. Having been diagnosed after high school, I didn’t know that many kids with diabetes, so I haven’t known many parents either. It’s amazing to see diabetes accepted into a family’s life, to see it integrated into their daily lives.

Having met Meri, her four sons and her husband, I love to read the blog. Seeing how a family can adapt to and accept diabetes is, there’s just no other word for it, amazing.

I have been wanting to blog for a while now, but I just haven’t created the time for it. I’m not entirely sure what I’d like to say. Over the last few weeks I’ve been contemplating what this blog is…it’s not a health blog, it’s not a sports blog, it’s a me blog…not that I know exactly what that means.

I guess on the topic of piercings, I’ll go with my year in retrospect and hopes for the next.

I turned 25 on March 12th, officially definitely mid-twenties, officially uncareered, unindependantly housed, uneducated…all those good things lol.

24th Year

March – I think I had my last three wisdom teeth out in March. Did I have my nose pierced at 23 or 24? Went to Southern CA. Met George (yay DOC meetups). Hung out with Liz…haven’t seen her since. Hospital visit #1 of the year. Embarrassing birthday celebration. Discovered the world’s best medication…Ondansetron ODT – AMAZING anti-nausea med.

April – Visited my grandma in AZ, hadn’t seen her in nearly a year. Finally got my side tattoo, it’s a pine tree. It took about four hours…SO painful, my others were not…ribs hurt! Moved to Idaho. Hospital visit #2, after my first day on the job, walked 3mi (I think) to the hospital at 1-2A and stayed two full days.

May – Played with axes and crosscut saws. Got my WFR certification. Played in the snow. Started working toward the end of the month. Started my, I think, third round of antibiotics since April.

June – Worked in the forest!!!! First anesthesia experience, first surgery, lost my tonsils. Also lost my nipple piercings – I had to take out all my piercings for the surgery and was too sore and distracted to put my nipple piercings back in. My dad visited me in Idaho to drive me to and from the hospital and a couple days of recovery. I think I watched/bought more movies, watched more TV series during recovery than I had in a year! I called my mother in tears more than once in pain.

July – Tonsil wound got infected…more antibiotics, more pain medication. Worked in the sun daily…in a chair. Worked on environmental non-profit stuff (a ton of fun). After the pain subsided a bit, I started taking forest/river walks in hopes of re-joining the field. Had a brief Grave’s disease scare. Congratulated on my diabetes management (I miss my MT endo)…(actually I miss most of this stuff, not glad it happened, but I miss it anyway…making me tear up…stupid emotions lol) Brief scare about blood in my urine. Tonsils were cleared. By this point I was WAY out of shape…being sick sucks.

August – Almost ready to join the field…only to get sick. Final trip to the hospital…as an admitted patient. Surprise problem, that would require specialists. Could go to Hamilton, MT for at least one of the specialists…3.5hours away. None of the tests for “wilderness” illnesses came back positive, so their best guesses were Crohn’s (winner, winner lobster dinner…if I liked lobster). UC, or maybe celiac. Realized it was time to call it a day…boss & I decided it was best I go back to CA; I wasn’t working and was going to need to be running more tests and seeing more doctors…it just made sense to be in CA. Parents drove up with my dog to help move me back. Visited Janelle (!!!!) and my aunt and uncle in Ogden, UT. Was heartbroken.

September – Doctor visits, feeling and being sick, trying to go to school, occasionally working for my dad’s work, sleeping, sweatpant wearing…overall not handling everything very well.

October – Official Crohn’s diagnosis (yay?), was happy to have answers. Start the adventure of finding the right medication regime. Got a CGM…LOVE my Dexom! Finish working for my dad, his company merged at the end of the month. More feeling crappy. Sleeping, trying to work, trying to go to school, etc.

November – Drop out of school (medical reasons). Attempt at the SCD diet…didn’t go well…used too much almond flour. More feeling sick, sleeping, etc. Looking for a job. Highlighted my hair. Thanksgiving meal planning…was awkward.

December – 2weeks after I highlighted my hair I dyed it dark, dark brown with some red highlights. Christmas. My mother started paying me to leave the house. She also had a stroke. Family paid me to stay home from vacation…sounds worse than it was: I wasn’t going to go so they paid me to watch the dogs. To be honest, I don’t really know what else happened.

January – Thought about returning to beauty school, but that didn’t work out (like so much else over the last year it seems lol). Started school again. Kind of got the medication regime figured out. Had an at least 5 trip root canal/tooth pulling, I don’t recommend that either. Felt really good about things getting better…and me getting better.

February – Made it just over 6months without a trip to the hospital…turns out I had kidney stones. Surgery #2 for the year…and for my life. Peed blood, peed blue and finally peed normal again. Had a stint put in (while under anesthesia) and pulled out (while awake)…I don’t recommend getting one of those. Recovery sucked. It hurt to move, pee, walk…anything. Got a job!!!! The surgery happened my second week of work and I had to take a whole week off. Thankfully they were really nice about it. Fell behind in school. My sister got a dog…a 10month old Husky, Kaya…I’m now her nanny.

March – My mother and sister threw me a surprise party, that I demanded not be a surprise. It takes a lot of planning to prevent me from getting sick. School graciously allowed me to drop my classes without Ws again, due to the surgery. (WAY annoying…it could be a whole post all on its own)

So, not many tattoos or piercings. I’d like to get my nipples re-pierced, but when I have more money and can come up with a good time to have them pierced. I’d like another tattoo or two, but I can’t exactly figure out what I want…and I also need more money before that becomes a good idea.

I was really hoping 2011 would be hospital visit free. Maybe I can just hope for a hospital visit free 25th year.

I’d like to be able to stay in school long enough to actually finish something. I’d like to move out…I have doubts that’ll happen by the time I’m 26 (a little sad :-/), but I’d like to be kind of close to that happening. I’d like to feel normal more days than I feel sick. I’d like to be productive, I’d like to feel like I’m getting somewhere.

I don’t know, I don’t think I want anything too complicated. If I could have my health and life back, I’d be okay with the rest of the shit life throws my way. Maybe I wouldn’t be okay immediately, but I’d get there.

Not having my health at 25 makes me feel all sorts of ways. Angry, sad, hurt, disappointed…maybe I’ll post about it soon.

But, really, Year 25, please grant me a year of health.

She's so lovely after we finish at work, also...she looks like a squirrel.

Whoops! The torn out site debacle from the D-Meetup w Jess & A (talk about an embarrassing time to happen!)

She's my favorite when she sleeps...so peaceful...and not eating things.

It's usually best to take walks in the rain with rain gear on, maybe I'll remember next time

First regular season Sharks game in a LOOONG time...at least five years.

Got decent discounted seats...AND they won...in a shootout, but a win's a win!

Took my sister with me Dinner and a Sharks game...can't get much better than that.

How adorable is she?!?! Her name is Tori, she was boarding at work...love her!

Rocky and Rocky...also from work.

Another Sharks game! Same ticket price...WAY better seats

Such good seats! AND I had decent seat neighbors, they knew about the sport! (not too typical here in SJ, sorry if that's offensive)

We won again 3-2 Started a bit slow & couple rough PPs...but we fought hard & came away with it.

Ignore the mess and lack of makeup...but my hair has faded SO much! (have been noticing the last few days lol)

And that’s the recap. Could say more…and I will eventually when I can, I have my yearly bday update to post!

Oddly, Tuesday was a good day. Nothing spectacular happened, I didn’t do anything particularly exciting or important.

I got lost in Danville, not really I just forgot where I was going so I guessed and guessed wrong. Then I placed something in my head, only to see my head was wrong and reality was a bit different. However, the actual intended destination was near where I thought it had been.

My oral surgeon had to pull out a stitch that wasn’t healing…hurt like a…I don’t know what, but it hurt.

Stent is still annoying the crap out of me. ALWAYS feel like I have to pee! And there started to be more blood today:( Today I get it out though! Can I tell you how NOT excited I am about the procedure?!?! It’s big and goes from my kidney, through my ureter to my bladder. I will be AWAKE while he puts the hook in to pull it out! But I am glad it’ll be gone.

Had class, am WAY behind and it’s going to take a lot of work to catch up with all my classwork.

At work we mop up the dog pee, if they’re inside. It’s Pine-Sol and water. After my shift I have to clean the pee bucket and refill it for the next shift. I splashed it all over my arm, hair, shirt and jeans. DOG PEE! ON my face!!! I was able to change the shirt after work, but didn’t have time to shower or find another pair of jeans and I’m 99.99999% certain I smelled a lot like a dog in class. After class, around 10:30 I was finally able to get in the shower.

Dogs are dirty, I know…and frankly really don’t care. We only wear work/casual clothes…jeans & old t-shirts/sweatshirts. But I can, without a doubt in my mind, tell you getting pee/pine-sol/water/dog hair splashed all over myself is not terribly enjoyable…funny, yes…gross, definitely. I think I may have wigged out if it got in my mouth, but so long as it stays out of me I’m good.

Monday night I was talking with Jess about forgetting diabetes stuff, I KNEW I would need to refill my pump at work Tuesday morning. I TOTALLY forgot my insulin! Thankfully it ran out towards the end of my shift and was able to go straight home, but waking to 312, dropping to around 90 at work and then popping right up to 344 was a bit exhausting.

Perhaps it was a good day because I was productive and actually tired. It’s a great feeling to be not only mentally in need of refreshment but physical too. There are so few opportunities for our society to be active in the workplace. Yeah, I hang out with dirty, slobbery, LOUD dogs all day…but I’m moving around, playing, cleaning. It’s not like I’m making a major (or any) contribution to society, but I’m making the dogs have a better day. Dogs are rarely as rude as people can be, they’re always grateful of your attention, they’re forgiving…and they take your mind off all the shit going on in the “real” world.

It’s hard to imagine anyone wanting to be a friend: I’m flaky and have to cancel last minute more times than I’d like, there’s CONSTANTLY something not right, hospital staff and pharmacies know me, I take meds that can mess with my ability to be completely with it, exhausted should be my middle name, eating out is beyond difficult, there’s always some conflict with my health and my family…I am starting to be more okay with this reality.
It’s my life, I can deal with it (most days)…but it’s really hard to “deal” with anybody else’s stuff too. I don’t say it to be selfish, honestly, just as a friend I’d like to be there for a friend as much as they are for me. Some days, that’s not a possibility. On the other side is that my life comes with a bunch of crap, most people have enough to deal with without me contributing anymore. I don’t mean petty drama or anything, but as a friend you care for your friends…when they’re having a hard time you want to be able to listen. A few friends understand and I love them for it. But there are others who get mad when I have to cancel, get pushed out of shape when I don’t respond quick enough, treat me like porcelain or think my limitations are just made up. If only they knew how much my limitations piss me off, I LOVE having a million things going on, tight schedules daily, etc but it’s just not me anymore. It’s okay I’m not, but it’d be nice to have other people on board, not to mention the poor responses make me feel worse about not being as capable.

Well that was a long rant in attempt to say, dogs don’t care what crap you have going on, they always like you. At one point on Tuesday I had 2 dogs on my lap, one between my feet, and two on each side trying to beat out the other for my attention. I definitely get tired of cleaning up poop and pee, breaking up rowdy dogs and hearing the deafening barking of some dogs…however, it can be incredibly therapeutic. It’s almost always chaotic, but a soothing chaos. Crazyness.

I’d love to have more good days, less sick ones. I think I cherish my good days more than I used to, it’s nice to feel like not such a disaster.