Well, Friday night I decided I wanted cake. Problem #1 with this cake idea is that cake is unhealthy. Problem #2 with the cake idea is that my sugars have taken a sidekick as of late, his name is shitty…shitty sugars. Knowing full well the VAST amount of fat in chocolate cheesecake, I took my insulin 20 mins before eating, with the second portion of insulin coming in an hour. I didn’t verify my carb count prior to eating the cheesecake, figured I’d take a guess and adjust when I got home. I ate my half a piece, put it in the fridge and felt like death.
Step one – check sugars…48…damnit. Step two – check how many carbs were actually in my cheesecake…oh good, I took nearly twice as much as insulin as I should have….if I ate the WHOLE thing…oh eff. Step three – scarf down remainder of cheesecake (horribly unenjoyable) and scavenge for other food in the kitchen.
Two and a half hours later, check sugar – 50…you’ve GOT to be kidding me! MORE scavenging.
Eventually woke up at 180 and was “good” to go. Problem being, I slept through BOTH alarms that were supposed to get me to the Dogs4Diabetics meeting on time. It’s about an hour from my house and I woke up 5 minutes before the meeting was to begin. Terrified I missed my chance, I emailed my contact. Went back to sleep for a bit til I needed to get ready for my work meeting.
Work meeting went okay. Was running late (I HATE running late), exhausted from the night before and looked awful. Didn’t have time to get coffee prior, but was offered pizza. (I declined the pizza – no way in hell I’d be touching that with the night before fresh in my mind) Then people made comments about me looking tired and unwell.
I truly appreciate my coworkers care, I do. I am VERY upset that this shitty sugar debacle is affecting my work. (I always switch ‘affect’ and ‘effect’…sorry) Missing a shift because I can’t get them above 50 was not only terrifying, but also almost shameful and has taken its toll on my pride. Also, it didn’t help to see part of the reason I looked so off in the meeting was my sugars decided to take a dip, a dip to 51. So irritated with the recent chain of events, and being the stubborn person I am, I drove home anyway.
Got home, ate sugar and took a nap. (I’ve been exhausted the last couple weeks with all the lows and then highs) Got up to go to work. Checked my sugars before I had to leave…62. Grabbed some crackers and hummus to eat once I got to work. Again, I wasn’t going to call into work and say I’d be late because my sugars were off…again. As dumb of a decision as that may have been, it was the one I made.
Work brought a few 90s and then some 200s. I decided, once again, working out was a bad idea.
Sunday resulted in me refusing to deal with life and napping. My family served meals that didn’t help my “shitty sugar debacle”…but I’d prefer they don’t ask questions and I just go along with the flow. Watched my father consume 5x as many carbs as he took insulin for, but again not making a comment. A mostly, uneventful day.
Monday. Monday was awesome. Comparatively.
I became a superhero.
Before work I didn’t want a hot meal, so had cold cereal (was in a rush). Irritated my bad jaw and ate a TON of carbs. In the middle of my shift I had to correct for a high. Then was 83, ate a portion of a cookie someone brought me. As I was leaving work I checked again…66. EFF! Went and sat in my car and nibbled at some zucchini bread. 15 minutes later…63. SERiOusLY?!?! Polished off the cookie. 15 mins later…77. Off to dinner. I just had to get high enough to drive.
The REAL reason Monday rocked (aside from my comic book character) is I re-emailed Dogs4Diabetics. I SO didn’t want to miss out on this opportunity. She emailed back no more than an hour later!!! They’re having another meeting on Thursday at 3pm!!! Turns out Thursday is my day off! I’m SO excited. And SO grateful it’s going to work out to get to an orientation meeting.
Had more family food tonight…I’m hoping my sugars behave for the night. I’m working in the morning tomorrow.
I NEED them to behave. I don’t just need my sleep. Mentally, I NEED it. I feel like a failure. I feel lost. I feel scared. I feel out of control. I feel like I’m free-falling. I feel sick all the time. I feel the effects of the sugars in my hands. I feel helpless. I feel sad. I feel sick/diseased. I feel alone. I feel so much.
For those of you who know me well, you know my opinion on feelings. This is entirely TOO MUCH feeling. So please, take mercy on me sugar gods, help me feel less of these things.
Now that we’re over the feelings…I had an absence of “feeling” in my right hand for a good 4 hours today. It was replaced with pain. I know this makes little sense, but I don’t know how to describe it better. Eventually my pain meds kicked in and helped slightly.
But realistically now that we’re done with feelings, I SO hope Thursday goes well. Please hope with me!