Last Night I Conquered Fears & Used a Telephone

For the last few weeks I’ve been pretty bad about blogging. Pretty much since January, that’s a few, right?

I have SO much to say. I just lack the pure motivation, energy and desire to put forth the effort to actually say anything.

Part 2 of the Dogs 4 Diabetics application was sent in last week. Their application review committee is meeting this month, HOPEFULLY will get a home visit and then with even more hope I’ll be getting a service dog this summer. It’s exciting. It’s scary. I’m excited, nervous, afraid and anticipating an answer. If you know me, you know I like answers and being “in the know.” Not knowing and having to wait is a HUGE challenge for me.

Fear seems to be a BIG part of my life right now. I hate it. Fear of being too low, being too high, being alone in either situation, embarrassing myself low or high, car accidents with screwy sugars, guessing the right carb amount…the list just goes on and on. I’ve always hated fear and embraced “scary” things. Diabetes fear is NOT an interest of mine. I hate it. It makes me feel so incredibly small and incapable. I’m sure fear will always be a factor, I don’t expect it to fully go away so long as I have diabetes…some days I just accept the truth more than others.

A couple weeks ago I met with my endocrinologist. Not actually MY endocrinologist, her associate. Timing was messed up and I was either going to have to wait 3 hours for mine or see the other. I opted to see the other. She was nice and helpful. Cholesterol levels are down, A1c is down to 6.2 (from 7.0 in Sept), weight is down…inflammation is UP. The inflammation is hopefully related to an infection that my body is fighting and not an accurate reflection of my body’s true inflammation rate. IF it is truly (or turely) high then I am at a much higher risk for heart disease than I desire . My main goal is to adjust the amount of carbs I eat on a daily basis and continue a gradual decline in weight. Also, Neurontin has been removed from my medicinal routine and Cymbalta has been added. The first four days on half the dose I need to be at had me feeling AWFUL. I’ve yet to up the dose, not looking forward to feeling sick again. The good news is that so long as I get a decent enough amount of sleep, Cymbalta is doing a better job than Neurontin.

In 30 days I will be 24. Nothing big planned. In 29 days it will mark the one year anniversary of the last time I saw my grandfather. In 31 days is will be a year from his death. Considering the surrounding dates, my birthday is quite a highlight. I am, however, incredibly blessed to have had a grandfather for 23 years and to still have both of my grandmothers. SO blessed. SO grateful.

I haven’t worked out in a couple weeks. Part of it is fear…sugars and dropping too low. Part of it is the whole Olympic time of year. Part of it is maybe laziness. I don’t know all the parts, but I’m having a hard time. I will get back into the swing of things, I know I will, just a struggle right now.

This is a very expressionless post, for which I apologize. If I were to get more consistent with my posting my “stories” would be more meaningful and less “factual spewage.” Like I mentioned before, I do have a lot that I want to say. My recent battle with fear was going to be a post…one that included a story of crying alone in a burger place on a Saturday night…after hanging out with a friend. The Dogs 4 Diabetics process was also meant to be a post. Endo…another. Maybe I’m emotionally spent and am not at a place to “experience” these things. Stating facts is SO much easier. I have no problems stating facts. I have MAJOR problems accepting/sharing/expressing how I feel about said facts. Admittedly I’ve discussed feelings…just not gone into the depth I could/should/would if I had more strength and energy right now. The week has been an overall good week (hoping to not jinx this)…but I still don’t want to. In a recent letter to my grandmother I told her I felt incredibly busy, but at the same time had nothing happening. I’m busy, but not.

So onto the BIG news…

Last night I conquered fears and used a telephone.

If you follow me on Twitter or FB or wherever, I’m pretty open about my fervent addiction to my BlackBerry. (My crack using BlackBerry who hates me) So, you may ask, HOW are you afraid of a phone?!?!

The reason I LOVE my BlackBerry is I don’t have to TALK to a soul. I can email. I can text. I can tweet. I can FB. (I WISH I could get the WP app to work properly and blog) Talking on the phone, in a personal, non-professional, setting sends my nerves racing. The only people I ever really talk to on the phone for any length of time is Liz and Crystal, occasionally a family member to discuss a plan…for 3 mins or less. I conquered my fear and called someone. Not to schedule an appointment, not to plan a meeting…to talk…and ask a question. My primary motivator was that my question could not be limited to 140 texting characters and I knew I wouldn’t see this person in time to take care of the situation. Regardless of my reason, it’s impressive AND I was congratulated. A phone call was made…for a whole 13 minutes no less! (While it rang I verbally asked the ringing to go to voicemail…it didn’t listen…but I made the phone call and survived!)

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About smashleeca

I am a lot of things...a Californian, a T1 diabetic, a Crohn's pt, a daughter, friend, former athlete, forever student, blogger, worker, and most of all life-embracer. That sounds corny...but I'll leave it. I'm just your average 24 y/o girl with a story to tell. View all posts by smashleeca

3 responses to “Last Night I Conquered Fears & Used a Telephone

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