Last night I started my THIRD new television series in the last couple months, Californication. (The other two series are Battlestar Galactica and Weeds). The series mentions writing, as the main character is a writer, and also talks about blogging. I also watched a movie yesterday that mentioned blogging, Made of Honor. It’s a cute romantic comedy with Patrick Dempsey (gorgeous!) and Michelle Monaghan. Both Californication and Made of Honor depict blogging rather negatively. Made of Honor shows a blogger that has no life, none at all. She’s a total nerd and obsessive. Californication says blogging insults true writers and ruins the American language.
It made me think. Why do I blog? Do I have no life? Does blogging discredit me as a writer? Initially I started blogging because I hadn’t been writing, I needed an avenue to vent and I had recently moved to a new state. I still need the avenue to vent and sort out my head, but to my knowledge, no one from my previous state of residence reads my blog. Whether or not I have a ‘life’ is up for debate, but I don’t think I’m as off the handle as the woman in Made of Honor. And, while I don’t think of myself as an incredibly talented writer that’s going anywhere with my writing, I feel blogging helps me develop my own style and comfort level with writing.
That being said, it inspired me to update my blog. The last few weeks have been pretty rough, on a number of levels. I feel like I’ve been sick for more than I’ve been well since coming to Idaho. I feel like I’ve earned the name “the sick one.” It seems like my body just can’t get it together. And I have come to feel like a narcotic junky. I’ve fully accepted my dependence on insulin, but am not ready or willing to accept a life on narcotics. Night two in Idaho landed me in the hospital. Half of day three was in the hospital. I was on antibiotics for the first month I was here. Then I was on other meds to FIX the problems the antibiotics caused. And I was constantly on pain remedies for my throat. Three weeks ago I had my tonsils removed. The recovery has been long and hard. Yesterday I attempted going drug-free and it landed me in bed until 6pm. Today I took my narcotic mixture and am mostly functioning, aside from the medicated high that it blesses me with with each dosage. In addition to the pain, swelling and eating problems my recovery is very emotionally challenging as well. There have been MANY days and moments where I’ve thought of giving up and going home, pondering the point of being here if I’m bound to my bed and/or drugged up most days. I’ve called my parents bawling either because of pain or because I just feel so helpless in this situation. It’s been a battle of fear, insecurity, sadness, self-confidence (or lack thereof), fatigue, self-worth… Mostly, I’ve just felt like a mess. Most of my letters to family and friends have been horribly negative and my tweets…I must apologize for my seemingly neverending negativity and complaining. My parents have been wonderful to me, I’ve called them so many times the last month, nearly or in tears. They’ve been wonderful about listening and offering encouragement, even though they’re so far away and really can’t do anything physically to help me out.
I don’t think I’m completely out of the dark yet, but talking helps. And staying on top of my pain management does too. I’m still healing, which requires a lot of patience for me and is a challenge to my self-confidence. Thank you everyone for being there for me in this pretty rough time, I know I haven’t been much fun to talk to or be around.
Tomorrow is a meeting with my boss, after she talks to her boss. We will be discussing my reintroduction to the program. There have been discussions back and forth on whether or not I could even STAY in the program. The whole idea of having to leave has been a big contributing factor to my stress and inability to get out of this funk. I am trying to tell myself ‘it will be how it will be’ and accepting whatever the outcome. Tomorrow will hopefully settle some of that unknown and anxiety. And hopefully it will be good news or at least not too difficult to accept.
Anyway, I hope this hasn’t been too much of a downer to read through and thank you for your support. More on my Idaho Adventures soon!
But wait! Last night I woke up (yes, night, remember the whole sleeping til 6pm thing?) to find cows, yes COWS, outside my kitchen window. A whole herd somehow made their way across the cattle guard, into our garden and yard. A roommate chased them away temporarily on our lawnmower. It’s crazy the things I’ve seen here. Cows outside my door, SO weird!