I’m not sure what to write, but I feel like I need to say something. Anything really. It’s one of those days. The one’s where you don’t feel quite right. Maybe nothing is exactly wrong, but nothing is really right either. Do you know those days? Even if you don’t, please pretend, for sake of my sanity.
I could say that this “offness” is related to the many medications I’m currently putting into my body. I’m not sure it’d be far off. But, is that just an excuse? Who knows. Even if the meds aren’t causing this state of mind, I’m sure they’re causing my liver a great deal of work. It’s probably a good thing I don’t drink much or do drugs (except the prescription kind). I really can’t wait to be done. Getting my tonsils removed were supposed to help my overall health, and I’m sure one day that will be the result. Until then, it’s a good thing I’m not a horse. My friend told me that the other day. Sad, but true. If I were a horse, I’d be a dead horse, worse, a euthanized horse. Maybe one day I’ll get to be a productive work horse. Or at least a healthy human, who if WAS a horse, would be considered a good work horse.
Today was primarily spent in bed. Sad, I know. I had grand aspirations of getting up and working today. It did not happen. I got up, got dressed, ate breakfast, gathered my medication that must be taken with food…and promptly fell asleep on the couch, on top of all the medicine bottles…until 2pm. At 2pm I moved from the couch, with bottle indentations all over my upper body, into my bed. Can you say slacker? Not that I intend to be a slacker, honestly, I’m almost disgusted with myself. But, I’m trying to be patient and realize my body is just not ready to be okay. This is where I would like to say it’s the medications. It must be, right? They’re wearing my body out. Fighting an infection is tough work I hear.
This week I’ve been trying to take walks in the evening with my boss. Thus far, they’ve been really nice. I’ve been eaten alive by mosquitoes each night. Monday I wore a tank top and shorts; which resulted in clusters of bites on my elbow, top of my shoulder and knee/calf. Tuesday I wore shorts and long sleeves with repellent on my legs and got a cluster of bites on my neck and face. It’s currently 5:30p and I think it may be time for bed soon, so I’m not sure I’ll make it out to the walk this evening. If I do, I will be wearing bug repellent on every exposed surface of skin. Maybe just a short walk is a good idea. Why these walks? Because it’s the only thing I’m allowed to do physically until the doctor clears me for work. Being in bed sick for nearly two months doesn’t do much to keep you in shape and energy levels high. We do a lot of manual work here in Idaho and to be honest, even if I were allowed, I know I’m not currently capable of doing that work. The walks are intended to do whatever activity I’m allowed in hopes of returning to work as soon as possible. It seems lame, I mean, it’s a walk. A stroll even. What’s even more lame, they wear me out. We’ve been going for about an hour and I’m exhausted by the end…and sweaty. Not badly sweaty, but sweaty nonetheless. I’m hoping to muster the energy for maybe a shorter walk tonight. I feel like any walk is better than none. The same way I feel that a walk is at least something. No it’s not hiking 63 miles in a week of work, but it’s what I’m allowed and should be happy to do what I’m capable.
Can you tell I’m trying to convince myself as I type? I’m not great at maintaining patience with myself. Two months of sickness is a LONG time! Two months of feeling like crap. I don’t ever recommend to the experience. Sleeping more than being awake takes a major toll on self esteem. I’m fairly certain it’s not just my self esteem that it inhibits; it seems like a normal reaction for someone in the same situation. Right? I’m not unreasonable in this, right? I hope not. I usually don’t place much thought and effort into being considered “normal,” as I think it’s a waste of time, but just once I’d like to be justified in this feeling.
Also, an update on filming: I’ve succeeded in hiding from the cameras thus far. They’ve not found me yet. I hope it continues. Thank you for your kind words everyone. I sincerely appreciate your words of wisdom. If only you knew the producer…but I’m still hoping for the best. Positive thinking, positive thinking. It’s supposed to bring good things, right?
Well, I think it’s time to head home. The thunder and lightening have arrived and the wind is getting to be something fierce. I’d prefer not to walk home, those 500ft, in the rain.
By the way…I have matching bra strap areas now…they’re both covered in bites! Woot!
Talk to you soon!