Today I sit at home, maybe getting some work done in the office, maybe soaking up some sun outside in my chair, maybe taking a nap and maybe taking the first walk on my own in nearly two months. My coworkers and boss will be taking a hike. A hike, in which, I’m not invited to participate. This is not of malicious intent; I purely am just not allowed to go on the type of hike they are planning on taking. They are however picking up a few groceries for me while they’re driving out to the mountain. I appreciate my boss’ kindness. And I most certainly appreciate the presence of milk in my refrigerator as of tomorrow evening.
I understand why I’m not invited. I accept there’s no way I would be able to even take a hike like that in my current state of health. I just want it all to be over. I want to be a part of the “group.” I want to see the wilderness. I want to work in different tree stands, build signage, identifying faults and concerns on undesignated routes…I want to be capable of doing things.
That’s a lot of I’s and maybe sounds a bit selfish. It’s okay if it sounds selfish, it’s honest.
Monday I’m having a talk with my boss. We are discussing the permanence of my place in this program. We are discussing the possibility of sending me back to CA. We are discussing goals and questions for my upcoming doctor appointment. Part of me is okay with this talk, because I believe it’s valid and probably necessary. Part of me is not okay, what if I need to go back to CA? I don’t have a job there. I will have no job here. Will I be taken back at the gym? Am I okay with my health condition debilitating me enough to take me out of a job I so greatly want to do? I’m not sure psychologically I’ll be able to handle that. That means I’m sick. It means I’m disabled. It means I’m not like everyone else. It means I don’t get to do everything I want to do. It means I can’t overcome whatever it is I set my mind to overcoming. It means I fail.
I finished the last Cortisone pill on Friday and will finish my antibiotics on Tuesday morning. I feel like my throat is well on its way to recovery. Mostly, I’m concerned about what the endocrinologist has to say on Tuesday morning; versus the ENT on Tuesday afternoon. One of the medications we’ll be discussing was HELL to get me on, I called in to work more times that I did in that period of time than my whole prior employment, it took me out of beauty school. Ultimately, I will always choose my health over any job or any school or any relationship; but it doesn’t change that the decision is hard. It doesn’t mean that stopping something I enjoy isn’t heartbreaking. My boss told me a couple days ago that I’d be getting good news at these upcoming appointments. Last night I brought up discussing the idea of going home, because it’s been a background idea floating around since APRIL and no one will openly talk to me about it. I didn’t want her to have to get to a point where she needed to blindside me with “you’re going home.” Come to find out, I was correct, they’ve been meaning to have this discussion with me, we’ll be discussing it at my “review” on Monday morning.
Hopefully the bloodwork problems are easily fixed and the medication changes, if any, are easy to adjust. If not, I WILL overcome and I WILL be okay…it just may take me some time to get through it all. I know I’ve been thinking about this for quite some time, and, as it should be, it’s not at all a shock. Now that it’s here and the discussion is actually happening, I can’t help but feel sad. I don’t know if I feel defeated yet, well no more than my recent feelings of defeat. I think I just feel like I can’t win – which is completely different from defeat, in my book. Maybe I won’t be defeated; however I’m certainly not winning either. There’s always some adjustment to be made, some special criteria or situation. I can’t ever just go and DO something. I’m too sick to take a damn walk alone in the forest. I can stay in Idaho, but I have to do office work while everyone else is out in the field working together. The beauty school was willing to cut some of my school bill if I just showed up to class and sat there for a few more days…not participating in curriculum. I’m tired of being the exception. I want to fall into more of the rule. Sometimes the exception is a good thing, but I think I’m tired of being one.
Also, because I shared about plans and primarily myself…I found out yesterday my grandmother was just released from the hospital after some internal bleeding and other problems. Please pray/think nice thoughts for her.
On a lighter, err, redder note: I have managed to burn the left side of my forehead, left temple and ear, both boobs, shoulders, arms, shins, feet and the back of my neck. Sunscreen is a must for whatever it is I do with my day today.