The Beginning Of The End

Looks like it’s here. This is my last week in Idaho. Really, my last few days. My father is leaving California on Friday afternoon and we’ll be driving back together. I am very glad this ‘end’ is so short, it’s hard enough to keep it together for a few days.

Yesterday my boss picked me up from the hospital. They still don’t know what I have. Hopefully they’ll know by Tuesday, when I have my follow up appointment. But when I got home I talked to my mother on the phone and discussed the possibility of going to school if I went back to California. She said she and my dad would pray for me. Then I ran into Jackie in the office, I told her I had talked to my mother. Jackie then told me she had wanted to talk to me about that and how she thinks it’s time for me to go – but she didn’t want to bring it up when I was feeling sick and just out of the hospital.

After some tears and a few phone calls…and some chocolate and cookies, I am okay with this. Or at least on my way to being okay. Part of me realizes this is likely for the best. I will have time to recover, live near medical attention, see my dog, go to school in the Fall and be out from under this stress of the threat of going home, not fitting in, not pulling my weight and being an inconvenience,. Also, I will no longer have to share my house with dumbass mice who do not fear my presence and eat my food and try to cuddle in bed. I am hoping the stress reduction will help me heal. The other part of me feels pathetic, like a failure, sick and sad.

I know there’s not much I could have done to change the situation. Actually, nothing at all. So, I’m trying to ignore the pathetic, sick and failure feelings. If I stop focusing and reminding myself of all the positives for too long I tend to fall into the negative lies my brain likes to tell me.

So I’ll be moving on. Getting a new haircut and maybe a new tattoo. My goal is to control what I am capable of controlling and not worry about the rest. I can control my performance in school, I cannot control this situation. I’ll focus on school for now. Then I’ll work on getting a job. I need an income, so i’ll be making a few calls this week. My chin is held high (or I’m trying to hold it up) and I’m moving forward (also trying that too – it may take time for my heat to get straight and my pride renewed).

Oh! My other goal: to become a cool enough and an “influential” enough blogger to go to Roche’s summit. Yes, I’m that lame. But maybe now that I’ll be living in civilization with real internet, maybe I can actually do it.


About smashleeca

I am a lot of things...a Californian, a T1 diabetic, a Crohn's pt, a daughter, friend, former athlete, forever student, blogger, worker, and most of all life-embracer. That sounds corny...but I'll leave it. I'm just your average 24 y/o girl with a story to tell. View all posts by smashleeca

6 responses to “The Beginning Of The End

  • Virtue B

    i will do my best to get you to Roche by reading and spreading the word about your blog πŸ˜‰

    (of course, that kind of assumes ppl listen to me, but i will do my best with what i have!)

    hope you feel better soon… things may not have turned out the way you wanted/hoped, but it sounds like you’ve pulled through a really crap situation and that in and of itself is pretty admirable.

    sending warm thoughts your way…


    • smashleeca

      Thanks! I only really want to go b/c I want to meet ppl. And, hell, why not have goals? Who cares how silly they may be. πŸ™‚

  • Ashley

    Mike and I decided that if we’re not invited to Roche next year, we’re flying out anyways and hanging at a nearby bar to meet up with everyone. We should totally be roomies! Or neighbors. Better yet, we should get our own suite with Crystal πŸ™‚

    As for the rest, if you have trouble keeping your chin up, we’ll keep it up for you. You’re not a failure. Most other people (including myself) wouldn’t have lasted there past the first hospital stay. As you’ve said, this is just out of your control, but the way you look at it and what you make of it is. Since you’re AWEsome, I know you’ll turn this into something amazing.


  • Scott

    Sounds like you have your head on straight, hard to do when you’ve faced all you have and have more to go. Personally, I think you kick ass. And know we all care about you and have your back. Keep us in the loop… I suspect you’ll do just fine, you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for, dear, much stronger

    Love ya

  • Mike

    Do your best, and forget the rest.

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