Yesterday I thought I had nothing to say. I should’ve waited a couple hours; I had plenty to say then. My roommates came home around 1P. Their first question to me was if I was packing up and leaving. My answer was yes. We then had a brief “oh that sucks” conversation.
It just wasn’t my roommates coming home though. There are a handful of other people here too. Thus far I’ve talked to five people about my move. By the fifth person I was about ready to call it a day, and the tears nearly returned. I took hiding in my room. I was pretty sure I was okay with all of this. But talking to everyone…it’s hard. It’s the same story over and over again. Talking about my body’s failure to cooperate, me losing a job because of my medical challenges, leaving this beautiful place, etc. The more I talk about it the less okay I am with this. It’s like going over and over your failures. I know they’re not MY failures. They are my body’s failures. But, doesn’t that mean me too? If it doesn’t, then why the hell don’t I get to be in control of my own body?
Okay, I know my body and ME are different. I didn’t choose this. And, no, I can’t be in control of my body…regardless of how unfair that is. Still though, I hate repeating over and over again. I wish everyone would have just gotten here at the same time, or at least the same day…TODAY.
Today is the community meeting. Today it will be announced. Today I’ll start my goodbyes. Wednesday felt so far away from Saturday. Thursday means I have today, tomorrow and then leave. Tomorrow I’ll have to do laundry and pack up everything for the roadtrip.
This week is a hard week. One where I’m trying to forget I may have a chronic GI problem, trying to plan a cross-state move, working on forgetting I have no source of income and trying to just deal with the necessary. One day at a time right? These days are long and exhausting. Even so, they’re also so short. I don’t know how I feel about it. But, I certainly cannot be handling more than one day at a time. No, I still have no idea which family member is coming, when we’re meeting up on Saturday, who is driving me to town to meet my family…I don’t know a lot.
Today is today and I’ll be okay. I don’t feel together enough or strong enough to face everyone today. To hold back tears, to be okay, I’m not sure that’s me. It doesn’t look like I have a choice though. I’ll have to be okay and however strong I am will have to be enough. The end is coming and I’ll be okay, it also means it’s the beginning of something new. Beginnings are fun right? (Nevermind I’ve had this beginning before and still managed to mess it up on both counts. Third time’s a charm?)