I’m at a loss.

I’m not sure I had any other options though. I’m not sure this could have played out any other way. Moving to CA with my parents was the only choice, the only option.

But I’m so boxed in. The environment is so stressful. Fighting the idea of losing my job was much less stressful to handle than this. I’m constantly under a microscope. Constantly being surveyed.

My room here is the room I came back to in the Summer between Sophomore and Junior year of high school. The room with eight crosses, multiple framed “photos” of Jesus and framed Bible verses on the walls. There are stuffed animals from my childhood on the shelves and a few photographs from “the years I didn’t care.” My closet is full of Barbies that I’m not permitted to toss. Clothing I’m not permitted to donate.

If I throw any of that away or box any up, I’ll be confronted on the lack of my “godliness.” If I keep it all up I keep all of me out. Currently this is where I sleep, but it represents no part of me. In the less “mental” way of speaking…I don’t have anywhere to put MY things with all of this around.

It’s not just the room either. I am expected to act a certain way. To respond a certain way. To mind my Christian manners. The result is silence. Speaking only when a response is necessary. No humor is allowed, at least none of MY humor which is on the WAY clean side of crass. My opinions are often shut down and seen as heathen/secular/whorish.

What did I get myself into? Did I have a choice?

Not that things are any different from when I left. I guess I grew accustomed to not being in such surroundings and I am having serious issues readapting. I feel like a terrible friend…I have nothing to say but stories of the craziness in my house. I get so caught up in my head I sometimes forget to pay attention to the happenings in my friend’s lives. And, even when I do manage to pay attention, I can’t imagine I’m much fun to be around at this point. Which is terribly sad…I like to be a good friend and I like to be fun company, it just makes things worse to know I’m not capable of such right now.

What happens when you’re this stuck? Where do you go? What do you do?


About smashleeca

I am a lot of things...a Californian, a T1 diabetic, a Crohn's pt, a daughter, friend, former athlete, forever student, blogger, worker, and most of all life-embracer. That sounds corny...but I'll leave it. I'm just your average 24 y/o girl with a story to tell. View all posts by smashleeca

2 responses to “Stuck

  • Mike

    You need some friends, girl. Do you have anyone local that you can call up and go hang out with whenever you can’t take it anymore? If not, find someone! If you can’t find work, go volunteer somewhere. Do something.

    I’m just speaking from experience.


  • Scott

    Hmmm…. Ash SMASH??

    I’m sorry you’re in such a tough spot, maybe just see it as a means to an end, until you can get on your feet. Mike makes some good points…

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