I Feel…

Unattractive and like a mess.

There’s not much more to it than that quite honestly.

My Symlin injections have given me a number of bruises on my stomach. It’s been years since I’ve donned a black bruise on my tummy. I have much preferred the tattoo and belly button ring, there is no room for bruises.

Prednisone and the number of medications I have been on and off of since April have contributed to my gaining FORTY pounds. 4-0!!! The extra weight and feeling sick all the time have made working out incredibly hard. If I finally feel well enough to go do anything, I get worn out because I’ve got that extra 40lbs to lug around.

None of my clothes fit. Yoga pants are nice and a regular outfit piece in my world. But they’re not so nice when they’re all you CAN wear.

My intestines need better manners. They hurt. They cause VERY UN-pleasant issues. Who really, honestly, enjoys discussing their intestines? I mean, I feel I’m pretty open about mine with friends, but only on occasion. I’d prefer it not to be my main topic of conversation…or the main thing on my mind.

I’m absolutely EXHAUSTED ALL THE TIME! I think I could make it a full day without a nap, but I’d be in bed really early. I’ve been taking a couple hour nap daily. It’s been rough. It makes me feel the opposite of productive. On the other hand I know I need the sleep, so I allow myself to get the rest it seems to need.

If you’ve taken a look around or read my blog at all over the last year, you know I like to dye my hair and adopt new styles. But, I’m over it. I simply no longer care. I do care that I seem to no longer be interested. I’ve never been one to spend much time doing my hair or getting ready, but now I’m at an all-time low of not caring.

The last few days I’ve been trying to feel more positive. And I think it’s mostly working. Even though I don’t care, I’m putting more time into how I look (like 5 mins more), trying to eat better (and not eat shitty because I feel shitty), accepting the weight and trying to at least walk daily and being patient enough with my body to realize a nap isn’t a bad thing.

I know I feel so unattractive and messy and in pieces, but I really am trying to be positive about it. Grin and bear it. Fake it til you make it. Smile. Any and all of those. Constant reminders. It’ll be okay and things will look up, I know they will, it’s just a matter of time.


About smashleeca

I am a lot of things...a Californian, a T1 diabetic, a Crohn's pt, a daughter, friend, former athlete, forever student, blogger, worker, and most of all life-embracer. That sounds corny...but I'll leave it. I'm just your average 24 y/o girl with a story to tell. View all posts by smashleeca

3 responses to “I Feel…

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