Go Away

Thursday was a weird day. I got up and Crohn’s wasn’t being a jerk and diabetes wasn’t misbehaving much either. But the biggest accomplishment of my day was putting away a few groceries, only the ones that needed to be refrigerated.

One might assume my lack of actually doing anything was due to depression. (The third D in my life) And I wouldn’t say you are completely off base. I’m also fairly certain I’m catching a cold, I have all the signs: sugars running low, stuffy on one side of my face, HORRIBLY itchy throat (wasn’t my tonsil removal surgery this Summer supposed to take care of that?), constant need to sneeze, major headaches and more I can’t quite remember right now. I can’t say I feel sad about anything…I’m a little angry that my body hates me so much it wants to give me a cold. It’s not like I don’t feel crappy every day, getting sick just makes things worse and more complicated.

I skipped an interview. It’s not as bad as it seems, I promise. I got a call Wednesday from the gym I used to work at, but a different location. They called to tell me they were having open interviews Thursday from 12-5p. I looked at the clock a bit before 12 and didn’t want to go right away, then when I thought about it again it was 4:45p. Maybe I got so excited about the idea of a “real” job that I didn’t want to go back. But at this point, a job is a job which gives me a paycheck. I also think that feeling off from this impending cold has made me a little apathetic.

Apathy is a big pain in the ass. I guess part of it is apathy, but I think I have a lot of, maybe, anger? A friend told me last week I deserved a break, for something to go right. And, I don’t know, I don’t feel like anything is going right. I’m overwhelmed. Most days I need a nap my 1p. Most days I’m in too much pain to want to do anything else. Or I’m up all night in the bathroom (or afternoon or morning, but mostly night). I almost feel bullied. Not by anyone else, but by my own body. And being bullied by your body is constant. It’s not like when you’re a kid in grade school where another teases you at recess. It’s all day, day in and day out. And it’s exhausting. It makes me feel like I can’t do anything. School is falling apart because I’m not going, because I feel to sick to go. I don’t have time to deal with my jerk of a body and life. Pharmacy, appointments, meds 4x/day, sickness…it’s a full-time job. My doctor told me my fatigue was normal with the amount of “things going on” in my body and life. But how am I supposed to handle the fatigue AND be able to do everything a productive quasi-adult is supposed to do? There’s too much on my plate and I don’t even have anything on it.

This post kind of sucks. But it’s November and it’s Diabetes, IBD and Manatee Awareness month, so I figured I should probably write something. If you made it this far in the post, thanks..and sorry, haha.

My PCP called…they actually want to re-check my urine before the 3 months is up and it has to be first thing in the morning urine. I told them I’ll pick it up today. I don’t know if I should be worried or not. I think I probably am worried, but not actively. Just in the back of my mind, like the tethering concern. I’m pretty sure that’s due to my plate being to full too. There’s no room for more worry.

I’d really like to just have the time and ability to have a life. I don’t need a full social calendar, just the ability to have a social calendar. I just want a break. I know diabetes and Crohn’s are here for the long haul, but they need to stop being so rowdy and bothersome. And my immune system needs to get its head on straight and stop attacking itself and attack the stupid cold germs I have contracted.

Hopefully tomorrow I’ll have something more positive to say…or at least less cloudy, perhaps even sunny. Oh crap, it’s supposed to be recipe day. Guess you’ll get one on Saturday instead. And hey, there’s nothing negative about yummy food. 🙂


About smashleeca

I am a lot of things...a Californian, a T1 diabetic, a Crohn's pt, a daughter, friend, former athlete, forever student, blogger, worker, and most of all life-embracer. That sounds corny...but I'll leave it. I'm just your average 24 y/o girl with a story to tell. View all posts by smashleeca

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