My Heart Told My Head: This Time No

Don’t you just LOVE Mumford & Sons? I fell in love with their music a while back.

I’ve loved this song (Winter Winds) since first listening. “My head told my heart ‘let love grow’ – But my heart told my head ‘this time no, this time no’. How many times to our head and heart contradict themselves? I feel like it’s a constant battle. Sometimes it’s best to listen to your heart and others your head – and a lot of the time you can’t tell which.

Anyway, I’m listening to them right now, thus the inspiration.

It’s pretty fitting too. I feel like I’m always contradicting myself. Listen to this or to that. Do this or do that. Try this or try that. But, life is not lived well when you try, listen and do this and that. If you do, you spend your life in a constant race. Don’t get me wrong, I am opposed to complacency. There is a time and a place for change. It doesn’t need to be constant, especially when it’s your only consistency.

It’s been a LONG time, long enough for me not to remember anymore, since I’ve finished something. I’ve finished books, blogs, movies (sometimes), makeup, showers, days, etc. What I mean is that I haven’t made a decision and STUCK with it. Relationships – I get bored or I am so closed off for too long for it to turn into anything before it’s over. School – it’s an embarrassment to even try to divulge the whole story there. The longest I’ve stayed at a job is 14 months. The longest I’ve lived in one residence continuously is six and a half years, from my birth until December 1992. I’ve taken lessons in six different instruments, but am great at none of them. I’ve taken classes in German, ASL, Latin and Spanish and am fluent in not a one. I change my hair color all the time, I’m going to try keeping it this color for a while, I like it and hopefully will not get bored. You could say I have commitment issues. It wouldn’t be a far off assessment.

People are usually awed by my “life story” that’s far from over (as far as I can tell). They usually make the observation that I’ve lived a lot of life in not so much time. It’s true. I have many many stories and experiences, none of which I would trade. Some of it has been hell. And some make up my fondest memories. Because I’ve lived a lot of life over a short period of time it means I’ve lived a lot but lack a great deal of experience. It’s pretty ironic that I have two incurable diseases – those aren’t going anywhere any time soon.

I’m going to try my hand at being a “good” patient and call the neurologist. If we’re able to come up with a remedy to my hand issues, I may consider finishing my esthetics program. I have just under half my hours. I’m not ready to commit to the idea, especially since I don’t know if it’s possible yet. It’s about time I finish something. And, really it’s something I enjoy. Maybe there’s some type of therapy I can do to keep the pain away? Who knows. It would be really nice to accomplish something.

Perhaps it’s my now nearly six month long slump that has inspired this thought. Maybe it’s the guy who told me something I don’t know how to hear. Maybe it’s my mom’s stroke and feeling like I’m behind where I should and want to be in life. Maybe it has to do with seeing friends and where they are professionally and relationally. Honestly, I think it’s a combination of all of it.

In August my uncle told me I have a world of opportunity, I am young – that I have more opportunity than he did at my age, because of some of the choices he made. I didn’t really believe him when he said it. I’ve felt like I am so limited in my opportunity, that everyone around me is progressing and I am falling behind.

Three years ago I visited the Cal Poly Republican club and ran into a guy who had been a year ahead of me at the same high school. He made the comment that I was so far ahead of where he was and a year younger. My being ahead was very short lived. I have enough sense to know everyone is on their own schedule and it frankly doesn’t matter who has what when. Life is an individual adventure.

Really, I’m just behind where I want to be. It’s not that I feel my friends are ahead, it’s a self assessment. Honesty is a jerk. But, it’s good to know. And it’s probably good that I have set a high bar for myself. I don’t think I have too many unreasonable expectations of myself. It’s time I stop digging a hole in the dirt to put my head in…that only works for so long.

In all honesty, I like change. I like the adventure of change. But I also desire security. Adventure and security are not mutually exclusive. Though, that’s been my mindset for far too long. I think I might have a new year’s resolution this year, even though I think they’re silly. For me, I like to evaluate myself every so often and give myself something I’d like to improve. There’s so much unknown in the world anyway, why not try to know what you are able?

Sorry, late night/early morning blogs never make much sense. They’re usually the result of my brain reeling for too long.

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About smashleeca

I am a lot of things...a Californian, a T1 diabetic, a Crohn's pt, a daughter, friend, former athlete, forever student, blogger, worker, and most of all life-embracer. That sounds corny...but I'll leave it. I'm just your average 24 y/o girl with a story to tell. View all posts by smashleeca

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