Except I’m not a man, but that’s the saying, who am I to change it?
I think, and hope, I may finally be starting to get things together. A plan. Some structure. A light at the end of a tunnel.
Part of me wants to divulge my plan. But, so many of my “plans” have fallen through, I kind of want to wait until I’m more certain. Things aren’t quite settled yet. A few doctor’s appointments and a couple planning meetings. HOPEFULLY, I’ll have cemented said plan by the end next week, or the first week in January. I’m really hoping to have some remedies and approvals, that will allow the plan to move forward.
Have I mentioned I’m a planning addict? I am. I like schedules. I like checklists. I like to know what I’m doing and in what order. I like to see where things are headed. I like structure. This turns into a challenging combination, because I also like spontaneity and dislike rules. It usually works like this: I like to have a plan, but each plan is an adventure and never goes exACTly according to plan, so my plans have wiggle room. When it comes to rules…I have absolutely not problem with rules, so long as I understand the reason and rationale to the rules. I know it’s not the best characteristic, I do, admitting it helps me though. When given a rule I know to ask questions if I don’t understand its purpose.
It would be SO nice to finally be moving forward. I HATE never having a reason to leave the house or even wear decent clothes or do my hair. I’ll be the first to acknowledge my love of naps and need for rest, but I like having things to do – a healthy balance between the two. The last few months…or maybe even year(?) have been really rough. Rough on my body and my mind. It’s so easy to get bogged down by all the things not going right. Easy to bury yourself in all your shortcomings, easy to lose sight of what you want and even a bit of who you are. Life can be cruel and unfair. But even those miserable times can create goodness. It’s a big pain in the ass to see the good while you’re in the midst of it all. Most often it feels impossible. When you finally start moving forward it’s much easier to see the positive results of the misery. And right now I need that. I NEED to know this rut won’t last forever. I need to know I am capable of having a social life and succeeding. I need to start being a good friend…and stop feeling the need to apologize for being such a mess and so down all the time. I need to be able to have stories about my day. (Okay, I know not everyone needs stories, but I love them. I LOVE observing my surroundings and having random things happen throughout my day – to have mini adventures. For whatever reason it makes me appreciate life…and people)
So hopefully this plan is a plan and not a fairytale. Time will tell…and hopefully time will be quick about it. 🙂