Diabetes is a big fat liar

After you’re diagnosed with type 1 diabetes, medication has a whole new definition in your life.

Insulin is not an optional medication. It’s optional if you consider death an option, and I don’t.

As a kid our doctor (on the rare event we went to one) would write scripts, my mother would tell the doctor she’d fill them, never fill them and not return to the doctor until the law required it. Type 1 isn’t that lenient.

I see my doctors as often as they’d like to see me, or as close as possible. And I diligently take my medications as directed. I think at last count I was on 11 or 12 meds. When you’re on that many drugs your options are limited for additions, there’s a likelihood some meds will counteract others.

I haven’t had a paycheck since the end of October. The government is paying my tuition. My family is helping me with the rest. Diabetes and Crohn’s are expensive and require constant attention. Knowing money was tight for my parents I opted to take two of my medications twice a day instead of the prescribed 4 times.

My thought process was that I can cut those, at least I’m still getting some of the medication. Insulin is not an option. Metformin I have some backstock. Welbutrin, I’m not messing w/ my antidepressant usage. Imuran, it’s been the most helpful and I only take it once a day. Entocort EC…I’m almost out of that too. Nortriptyline, I’ve had BAD experiences weaning on and off my nerve meds so I didn’t want to do that & there’s no way to take a half dose. I can’t think of the rest but Pentasa and Dicyclomine got the cut. I am supposed to take 2 pills four times a day of Pentasa and one four times a day of Dicyclomine. I can live without that, right?

Well, I’m alive. But between my mouth, clusterfuck of sugars right now and the reemergence of severe cramps and nausea I’m not alive very happily.

And I know it’s not their fault for the timing, but with the stupid CWD forum from yesterday (and today? I’m not sure) I feel inadequate. It’s me, it’s not them. I’m allowing myself to feel this way. But, I feel like I’m saying “poor me” and I really don’t mean to. Everyone’s life is different and everyone has different shit they have to deal with. I don’t have a great family network to be able to vent and express, so here it is. It may not be the smartest idea to divulge so much information of how I “feel”…in person that’s the last thing I talk about. I prefer fact.

…which pisses me off more, I don’t like all this feeling crap. Feeling sick, feeling damaged, feeling useless, feeling behind, feel, feel, feel. I’d prefer to not feel, thank you very much. It’d be really nice to NOT feel like I’m a failure at trying to figure out my dumbass digestive system, how and when it digests and metabolizes what and knowing what my sugars do and are supposed to do. Why can other people figure it out and I can’t?

Off the feelings topic and now to why diabetes is a liar:

Diabetes tells you it’s the most important, it’s first. You MUST take your diabetes meds over any others.

Crohn’s meds are just as important. If your digestive system decides not to work your insulin regime is going to be all over the place. Sometimes the carbs peak at a “normal” time, some postponed…without any real regularity…unless you count a different story at every meal as regular.

Diabetes may be a big pain in the ass, but don’t let it fool you into thinking it’s more of a pain in the ass than certain other diseases, in my case Crohn’s.

Sometimes Crohn’s has to win…ex: my pain med options
Diabetes gets to win other times…ex: eliminating some pain med options b/c I NEED to use my dexcom and refusing to add ANOTHER steroid to the regime. There’s no way in hell I’m taking two steroids at once again…all the help the steroids do goes to shit if I can’t keep my sugars fairly moderated b/c it makes my stomach cramp with EVERY damn food.

Diabetes, you’re a big pain and I hate you. I hate you for the kids with T1, for the people trying to be a responsible and “normal” adult, for the parents who have the kids with T1.

Despite diabetes being an attention whore, I’m kind of scared to go to my GI on the 15th. It’s an earlier than originally planned appointment and I can’t see my regular PA. She said I need to meet with the doctor because she honestly doesn’t know what to do anymore. So, awesome, that’s encouraging. What the hell am I supposed to do with that? ..aside from being scared.

And I’ll shut up right now, or I’ll just add more profanities.

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About smashleeca

I am a lot of things...a Californian, a T1 diabetic, a Crohn's pt, a daughter, friend, former athlete, forever student, blogger, worker, and most of all life-embracer. That sounds corny...but I'll leave it. I'm just your average 24 y/o girl with a story to tell. View all posts by smashleeca

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