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No D Day

No D Day…being that I rarely blog specifically about D, I thought this would be easy. Then I realized it’s always brought up some way, because it’s a huge part of my life. So here’s my attempt of a no D day post…

Consequences are a you know what. I don’t believe in karma, but I fully believe in consequences and fully support them. Coming from that perspective, consequences are really frustrating. I made a poor choice, which led me to more poor decisions, and things progressed from there. I am dealing with the consequences. It’s unbelievably frustrating to know it’s completely your own doing that puts you in a crumby place.

It’s fairly common for people to think I’m a cold person. I don’t get emotional about things, I can be rational to a fault. Seriously, I get myself in trouble way too often. Yet, I made irrational decisions; I knew better. Not that there’s anything I can do about it at this point, but I’m disappointed in myself. All I can do is pray for grace.

I have a friend whom I admire greatly. When I was in high school he told me whenever asked how he’s doing he’ll always respond “better than I deserve”. I understand not everyone can identify with that statement, but to me, it’s an incredibly humbling perspective. Because, honestly, I am always doing better than I deserve to be. Yes, the world is full of injustice, and life is cruelly unfair; but it’s still better than what I deserve. By this I mean, I don’t deserve to be with God in my life. None of us do; it’s really only by His grace I have the choice to have a relationship with Him. (I know you may disagree, and I’m not trying to argue, I promise)

The last few months have been incredibly emotionally draining. But it’s a position I put myself in, by choice. It’s been so hard, so much harder than I expected. And I’ve spent a lot of time asking “why?” And, yes, someone else’s choices and behaviors could have made this less draining; but people are free to make their own choices. When you involve yourself with others, you put yourself at their mercy.

When you tell a friend a secret, you’re trusting them to be kind with it. When someone chooses to open up to you, they are being vulnerable. My past has made me very weary of allowing myself to be vulnerable…and I’m clearly not great at identifying the right people with whom to share. But, you live and learn.

I guess that’s why I’ve been able to remain joyful, despite the challengingness of this Summer; perspective. I’m still alive, still learning and have a life so much better than what’s deserved.


My Heart Told My Head: This Time No

Don’t you just LOVE Mumford & Sons? I fell in love with their music a while back.

I’ve loved this song (Winter Winds) since first listening. “My head told my heart ‘let love grow’ – But my heart told my head ‘this time no, this time no’. How many times to our head and heart contradict themselves? I feel like it’s a constant battle. Sometimes it’s best to listen to your heart and others your head – and a lot of the time you can’t tell which.

Anyway, I’m listening to them right now, thus the inspiration.

It’s pretty fitting too. I feel like I’m always contradicting myself. Listen to this or to that. Do this or do that. Try this or try that. But, life is not lived well when you try, listen and do this and that. If you do, you spend your life in a constant race. Don’t get me wrong, I am opposed to complacency. There is a time and a place for change. It doesn’t need to be constant, especially when it’s your only consistency.

It’s been a LONG time, long enough for me not to remember anymore, since I’ve finished something. I’ve finished books, blogs, movies (sometimes), makeup, showers, days, etc. What I mean is that I haven’t made a decision and STUCK with it. Relationships – I get bored or I am so closed off for too long for it to turn into anything before it’s over. School – it’s an embarrassment to even try to divulge the whole story there. The longest I’ve stayed at a job is 14 months. The longest I’ve lived in one residence continuously is six and a half years, from my birth until December 1992. I’ve taken lessons in six different instruments, but am great at none of them. I’ve taken classes in German, ASL, Latin and Spanish and am fluent in not a one. I change my hair color all the time, I’m going to try keeping it this color for a while, I like it and hopefully will not get bored. You could say I have commitment issues. It wouldn’t be a far off assessment.

People are usually awed by my “life story” that’s far from over (as far as I can tell). They usually make the observation that I’ve lived a lot of life in not so much time. It’s true. I have many many stories and experiences, none of which I would trade. Some of it has been hell. And some make up my fondest memories. Because I’ve lived a lot of life over a short period of time it means I’ve lived a lot but lack a great deal of experience. It’s pretty ironic that I have two incurable diseases – those aren’t going anywhere any time soon.

I’m going to try my hand at being a “good” patient and call the neurologist. If we’re able to come up with a remedy to my hand issues, I may consider finishing my esthetics program. I have just under half my hours. I’m not ready to commit to the idea, especially since I don’t know if it’s possible yet. It’s about time I finish something. And, really it’s something I enjoy. Maybe there’s some type of therapy I can do to keep the pain away? Who knows. It would be really nice to accomplish something.

Perhaps it’s my now nearly six month long slump that has inspired this thought. Maybe it’s the guy who told me something I don’t know how to hear. Maybe it’s my mom’s stroke and feeling like I’m behind where I should and want to be in life. Maybe it has to do with seeing friends and where they are professionally and relationally. Honestly, I think it’s a combination of all of it.

In August my uncle told me I have a world of opportunity, I am young – that I have more opportunity than he did at my age, because of some of the choices he made. I didn’t really believe him when he said it. I’ve felt like I am so limited in my opportunity, that everyone around me is progressing and I am falling behind.

Three years ago I visited the Cal Poly Republican club and ran into a guy who had been a year ahead of me at the same high school. He made the comment that I was so far ahead of where he was and a year younger. My being ahead was very short lived. I have enough sense to know everyone is on their own schedule and it frankly doesn’t matter who has what when. Life is an individual adventure.

Really, I’m just behind where I want to be. It’s not that I feel my friends are ahead, it’s a self assessment. Honesty is a jerk. But, it’s good to know. And it’s probably good that I have set a high bar for myself. I don’t think I have too many unreasonable expectations of myself. It’s time I stop digging a hole in the dirt to put my head in…that only works for so long.

In all honesty, I like change. I like the adventure of change. But I also desire security. Adventure and security are not mutually exclusive. Though, that’s been my mindset for far too long. I think I might have a new year’s resolution this year, even though I think they’re silly. For me, I like to evaluate myself every so often and give myself something I’d like to improve. There’s so much unknown in the world anyway, why not try to know what you are able?

Sorry, late night/early morning blogs never make much sense. They’re usually the result of my brain reeling for too long.

Kiss My Country A$$

There’s really no point to this title, other than I really like the song.

I’ve been sitting at my computer for a good 2-3 hours trying to figure out what to type. Since my last post I’ve had a lot happen that I’ve wanted to post. Sadly I should have written when it was on my mind, as I’ve now forgotten.

Thankfully I’ve got something… Continue reading

Maybe I’m Weird

When I was diagnosed with T1 I had been showing symptoms for a few months prior, but came up with explanations from “I’ve been trying to drink more water, now I’m used to it, that’s why I’m thirsty.” to even “God is trying to teach me something”. Unlike most of my childhood though, I had had bloodwork done as close as maybe 4 months before diagnosis. Wouldn’t that have shown if there was something wrong? Regardless of that though, I was HORRIBLY ill the couple weeks up to August 4, 2004. So sick I could hardly walk or stand or even sleep and I STILL didn’t go to the doctor. The only reason I even went to the hospital was because I was unconscious!

Now that I have another diagnosis on my hands, Crohn’s Disease, I feel like it’s the same thing. I went to the hospital August 5/6 because I was terrified. My sugars were below 50, I couldn’t get them to come up, I was absolutely exhausted (worried I was too tired to be able to babysit any longer), anything I ate either came up or out almost immediately and I just didn’t know what to do. Had I been in CA when this had happened, I’m not sure I would have taken the trip to the hospital. Being that I lived so far from any type of medical care I thought it was best to head in, after I spoke with the ER nurse over the phone. I was afraid of some diabetic hell occurring NOT that I had some other medical problem. They’re the ones who asked for a stool sample and then told me there was something wrong with it. It was news to me. Yeah, I had had some gas/discomfort/nausea/getting sick/visiting the hospital/going in between constipation and diarrhea for maybe the last year. Nothing too big or irritating. And I came up with explanations for all of it. Over the weekend my mother asked me if I’d had symptoms before going to Idaho. I said that I supposed so, she countered with “Then why did you go?” Continue reading

Way Back When

There isn’t much I remember about my life before D. I remember events, but it’s not like I remember specifically NOT having D. It’s only been six years, aka ALL of my “adult” life.

Last night reminded me of one of the early nights with D. I was well over 300 and was far from having any sort of understanding about ranges/corrections/ratios/ISF. I was up and feeling terrible late at night. I called the doctor, but they weren’t around in the middle of the night. At the age of 18 I didn’t feel it would be nice to call the doctor on their off hours. (I have since overcome this insecurity, they’re ON-CALL for a reason) So I stayed up sick and eventually fell asleep after a few glasses of water. It was my first week home with D.

Yesterday was my one week anniversary with a Crohn’s Disease diagnosis. All weekend I felt like crap. I managed to be somewhat productive, as long as I could fit a 3 hour nap in somewhere. Monday wasn’t a particularly eventful day…class, ASL homework, endodontist, be a test subject, drive home. I didn’t get a nap, I felt FAR worse than I had all weekend. I’ll admit it, I messed up, I had a HIGH fiber breakfast and a moderately fibrous lunch. My GI said I should try to eat fiber. I should know she didn’t mean THAT much fiber though. So, again, I sat, feeling miserable, waiting for time to tick. Calling the doctor at night doesn’t get me to MY doctor for sure and I have a new diagnosis, I’m not sure what they could even do. Today I plan on calling the office, especially if I’m not feeling any better, to talk about what to do. The prednisone has taken a serious toll on my insulin supply…from Tues-Tues I was on +60% basal rate and last night finally dropped to +50%. But the prednisone was supposed to be my saving grace. Make me feel normal again within a few days (3-4, if I remember correctly). I’m supposed to be able to eat again. NOT have issues with EVERY item I try to put in my mouth. The Pentasa is supposed to help too. The last few days it’s done nothing but get worse.

So, why didn’t I call the doctor last night? I can’t really tell you. Maybe I don’t want to be buggy, I want their help…not piss them off. Plus, how am I going to suddenly feel better? What difference does just a few hours make? Anyhow, today I have an interview, with REI. I’m pretty stoked and really hoping my body behaves.

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”…well me and my body, we’re pretty dang tight.

Idaho Life

Last night I started my THIRD new television series in the last couple months, Californication. (The other two series are Battlestar Galactica and Weeds). The series mentions writing, as the main character is a writer, and also talks about blogging. I also watched a movie yesterday that mentioned blogging, Made of Honor. It’s a cute romantic comedy with Patrick Dempsey (gorgeous!) and Michelle Monaghan. Both Californication and Made of Honor depict blogging rather negatively. Made of Honor shows a blogger that has no life, none at all. She’s a total nerd and obsessive. Californication says blogging insults true writers and ruins the American language.

It made me think. Why do I blog? Do I have no life? Does blogging discredit me as a writer? Initially I started blogging because I hadn’t been writing, I needed an avenue to vent and I had recently moved to a new state. I still need the avenue to vent and sort out my head, but to my knowledge, no one from my previous state of residence reads my blog. Whether or not I have a ‘life’ is up for debate, but I don’t think I’m as off the handle as the woman in Made of Honor. And, while I don’t think of myself as an incredibly talented writer that’s going anywhere with my writing, I feel blogging helps me develop my own style and comfort level with writing. Continue reading

American Heart

It peaks my interest quickly. #1 – my risk for heart disease is really high #2 – I am passionate about the success and trials American face #3 – I love supporting America.

Over the weekend I wrote an email to a friend, Crystal, about different rants. First it was a D rant and mentioned afterward I needed more things to care about…to care enough to have a rant over. Two paragraphs later we had: Continue reading