Consistently Inconsistent

Pretty much sums me up.

 

This last week or so has been pretty difficult. I’m behind in school, work seems a bit messy at the moment and my personal life is taking its toll. As a result my blood sugars have been a mess and my Crohn’s symptoms have returned with a vengeance. And as a result of that I’m falling farther behind in school, work is more difficult and my complicated personal life is harder to manage.

 

I feel incapable of having a positive attitude. I mean, life goes on, it always does. It dishes out what it dishes out and you find a way to survive. But, I like to be honest and life is kicking my ass right now. I’m not sure it really has to do with my attitude or outlook, more so I’m stuck pausing my life to deal with my health and I’d rather be doing something else…being productive. Perhaps I need to accept “pausing and dealing” as being productive. Reality is that if I don’t pause, I’ll make myself sicker and less able to have a life. …which is just frustrating.

 

Less than a month ago I was in Montana, was doing great, school was great, work was working itself out and I felt awesome. The last week and a half has been hellish. I think I’ve slept twice as much because it’s the only real way I’m able to deal with the pain.

 

The only consistent thing about my health is its inconsistency. It makes me feel like a flake.

 

There doesn’t seem to be much I can do, except trudge on through…again. However, I’m looking into some more natural approaches to helping my body out. I’d like to hope that if you treat your body well enough it’ll start treating you decently. I took some evening primrose oil today and that seemed to help a little with the pain. I think I’d rather be a hippie and take a natural approach than dependent on drugs that have almost as many bad effects as its positive results. Too bad medical insurance doesn’t cover herbs/remedies and they’re willing to cover drugs.

 

I’m not always doing poorly, and when I’m not I like to do the best I can at enjoying life. When my body acts up, I feel like I’m stopped in my tracks and unable to really function.

 

I’d really like to be consistent at something besides inconsistency.

No D Day

No D Day…being that I rarely blog specifically about D, I thought this would be easy. Then I realized it’s always brought up some way, because it’s a huge part of my life. So here’s my attempt of a no D day post…

Consequences are a you know what. I don’t believe in karma, but I fully believe in consequences and fully support them. Coming from that perspective, consequences are really frustrating. I made a poor choice, which led me to more poor decisions, and things progressed from there. I am dealing with the consequences. It’s unbelievably frustrating to know it’s completely your own doing that puts you in a crumby place.

It’s fairly common for people to think I’m a cold person. I don’t get emotional about things, I can be rational to a fault. Seriously, I get myself in trouble way too often. Yet, I made irrational decisions; I knew better. Not that there’s anything I can do about it at this point, but I’m disappointed in myself. All I can do is pray for grace.

I have a friend whom I admire greatly. When I was in high school he told me whenever asked how he’s doing he’ll always respond “better than I deserve”. I understand not everyone can identify with that statement, but to me, it’s an incredibly humbling perspective. Because, honestly, I am always doing better than I deserve to be. Yes, the world is full of injustice, and life is cruelly unfair; but it’s still better than what I deserve. By this I mean, I don’t deserve to be with God in my life. None of us do; it’s really only by His grace I have the choice to have a relationship with Him. (I know you may disagree, and I’m not trying to argue, I promise)

The last few months have been incredibly emotionally draining. But it’s a position I put myself in, by choice. It’s been so hard, so much harder than I expected. And I’ve spent a lot of time asking “why?” And, yes, someone else’s choices and behaviors could have made this less draining; but people are free to make their own choices. When you involve yourself with others, you put yourself at their mercy.

When you tell a friend a secret, you’re trusting them to be kind with it. When someone chooses to open up to you, they are being vulnerable. My past has made me very weary of allowing myself to be vulnerable…and I’m clearly not great at identifying the right people with whom to share. But, you live and learn.

I guess that’s why I’ve been able to remain joyful, despite the challengingness of this Summer; perspective. I’m still alive, still learning and have a life so much better than what’s deserved.