What’s Love Got To Do With It?

Sometimes it’s hard to love yourself.

I don’t mean in the “I wish I was prettier,” “I wish I was thinner,” “I wish I was richer,” or any other -er kind of way.

I mean diabetes is really damn rough on you. It’s hard to love your body when it’s against you. Juicing, eating right, exercising enough, all the supplements in the world aren’t going to fix your pancreas. I pride myself in handling life’s frustrations pretty well, but when I’m high I’m a little more transparent. Presently I’m 569, higher than I’ve been in I don’t know how long. So, apologies for the less than motivational and chipper post.

I blew a site, hence the 569, so I changed sites. My stomach is looking pretty beaten up, so I opted for my arm. The first attempt resulted in a very painful insertion and blood in the site. After taking it out and waiting to make sure I wasn’t going to need to clean up a bloody massacre, I got another site, for my other arm. Much less painful. In using my left arm to insert the new site in my right arm I saw the bloody massacre had occurred, it just took its sweet time. Even before diabetes I was clumsy. Scars and bruises were typical.  So, in the last 3 hours I’ve bruised my knee on a coffee table and my arm bad enough that it hurts to move it, with a malfunctioning life – saving device.

My point, diabetes is a pain and being happy with my body is not easy. Diabetes isn’t pretty, I have blood smeared clothes, bruised limbs and  scarred legs and stomach to prove it.

Most days diabetes is kind of like an annoying younger sibling tagging along for the ride. You deal with it because you have to and you make it through. (Yes, this is a juvenile analogy)

Today, diabetes has been my opponent in a lost boxing match that I’m trying to recover from. It’s won this round, and gave me quite the pounding. I’m sure I’ll win the match, I just need a few seconds to get back on my feet.

Tomorrow is bound to be a better day. Maybe I’ll have that round end in my advantage. Through my bruised arm and scarred body I’ll find a way to love what I’ve got…I may not have a functional pancreas, but I’ve got enough grit and heart to make up for it…or at least that’s what I’ll keep reminding myself. You’ve got to have down days to appreciate the really great ones. 🙂

Consistently Inconsistent

Pretty much sums me up.

 

This last week or so has been pretty difficult. I’m behind in school, work seems a bit messy at the moment and my personal life is taking its toll. As a result my blood sugars have been a mess and my Crohn’s symptoms have returned with a vengeance. And as a result of that I’m falling farther behind in school, work is more difficult and my complicated personal life is harder to manage.

 

I feel incapable of having a positive attitude. I mean, life goes on, it always does. It dishes out what it dishes out and you find a way to survive. But, I like to be honest and life is kicking my ass right now. I’m not sure it really has to do with my attitude or outlook, more so I’m stuck pausing my life to deal with my health and I’d rather be doing something else…being productive. Perhaps I need to accept “pausing and dealing” as being productive. Reality is that if I don’t pause, I’ll make myself sicker and less able to have a life. …which is just frustrating.

 

Less than a month ago I was in Montana, was doing great, school was great, work was working itself out and I felt awesome. The last week and a half has been hellish. I think I’ve slept twice as much because it’s the only real way I’m able to deal with the pain.

 

The only consistent thing about my health is its inconsistency. It makes me feel like a flake.

 

There doesn’t seem to be much I can do, except trudge on through…again. However, I’m looking into some more natural approaches to helping my body out. I’d like to hope that if you treat your body well enough it’ll start treating you decently. I took some evening primrose oil today and that seemed to help a little with the pain. I think I’d rather be a hippie and take a natural approach than dependent on drugs that have almost as many bad effects as its positive results. Too bad medical insurance doesn’t cover herbs/remedies and they’re willing to cover drugs.

 

I’m not always doing poorly, and when I’m not I like to do the best I can at enjoying life. When my body acts up, I feel like I’m stopped in my tracks and unable to really function.

 

I’d really like to be consistent at something besides inconsistency.

Diabetes Hero – Diabetes Blog Week 2012

I admire every diabetic and every parent raising a diabetic.

Though, there is a special place in my heart for parents of diabetics. I’ve been sitting here for the better part of an hour trying to decide to whom this post would be directed. After that first sentence it finally clicked…parents raising diabetics.

I honestly have no idea how you handle it all, I think each and every one of you is amazing. My parents tried to pray away my diabetes when I was diagnosed, thankfully I was 18 and only went along with it for a few months and only went one day without insulin.

Even after having diabetes for nearly eight years now, I don’t know how I’d handle raising a diabetic child. I can figure out how to deal with feeling like crap because of a roller coaster day and still function…but it kills me to think of anyone else handling it. I’m quasi-paranoid as it is about my sugars, I’m sure it’d be quadrupled if it was my kid.

Those who raise diabetic children amaze me; I am in complete awe of them. Having never been a diabetic child I’m not 100% sure what it’s like to be a kid with diabetes. Learning to inject myself and carb count while in elementary school…it truly amazes me.

And let’s not forget the kids with diabetes. Their resilience is amazing. (I need a synonym for amaze/amazing). There are a lot of days I’d just like to stay in bed all day because I feel like crap from my blood sugars (or Crohn’s) and some days I do stay in bed for most of it. Some days it’s just too hard to go out and take a hike with Moyer (the best dog in the whole world…even if he does chip your tooth and/or split your head open) – it’s frustrating on those days. If I were a kid, I’m sure I’d be even more frustrated to not be doing everything my friends do any time they do it.

Not that diabetics aren’t capable. But diabetes sometimes changes the way you do things or how you do them. Kids should just be able to be kids. Everyone says it, so I know it’s nothing new…but it’d be nice if everyone saying it could somehow magically make it true!

Saturday Snapshots – Diabetes Blog Week 2012

What They Should Know – Diabetes Blog Week 2012

Most people I regularly interact with know I have diabetes and know I need insulin to survive. They also know insulin is somehow related to my food intake. (They commonly think I need insulin when I am low)

I don’t particularly care that they know. I’d really prefer they understand.

Understand I’m not giving myself an injection to be obnoxious or cause a disruption. Understand when I’ve been high and low it’s exhausting. Understand I’m not being lazy when I’m taking things slow. Understand that I’m not incapable of doing the things most other adults are capable. Understand I don’t want to talk about it all the time, I live it all the time, I don’t need to discuss it.

Even if you don’t know something, that’s fine so long as you show some understanding and respect. Don’t assume you know, I’m happy to answer any questions, just don’t be an arrogant ass.

Fantasy Diabetes Device – Diabetes Blog Week 2012

A new pancreas?

Perhaps an insulin that didn’t require you to carb count. You inject it before you eat and it somehow is able to generate the proper amount of insulin for what you’re ingesting. Your body can figure out how much it needs without you giving prior notice, I think we should be able to do the same.

It would make life so so much easier. It’s hard when you think you’re going to eat something and then you turn out not to be so hungry. Or you take your insulin and then the restaurant’s kitchen has a backup and you can’t eat right away. Or you can’t decide what you want to eat. Or you just want to munch.

It’d be convenient in about a million different circumstances.

One Thing to Improve – Diabetes Blog Week 2012

Where can’t I improve? Nowhere.

Where would I really like to improve? Everywhere. But, let’s be realistic. I should pick one or two areas to work on at a time.

#1 – Timing

I’ve gone off my insulin pump. For the most part, my control has improved. Unless there’s a day where I forget to take my Levemir until 4pm…like a few days ago. Now I’m finally back to a semi-normal long-acting dosage time. But, man, it sucked. I was doing really well at taking Levemir right around 9pm, then I tried splitting the dose. It really didn’t help my morning lows. In fact, I started to get morning highs. So, I’d really like to get on a regular schedule with that. Or, I’d like to go back to my pump, though I’m not sure I can afford it right now. Until I make that decision though, it seems like I’m settling in at taking my long acting right around 7pm. Let’s hope I don’t forget anytime soon.

# 2 – Carb Counting/Dosing

Being on Apidra and my insulin pump allowed me some grace. Actually, a lot of grace.

I could take my insulin after I ate if I wanted…so, like when I’m eating at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and I’m not allowed to give myself a shot at the table and I’ve started our meal low I could take my insulin after eating with no problem. Now, there’s a problem. It’s a problem I had quite recently in fact.

If I miscalculated my bolus and saw I needed more insulin, I could easily punch it into my pump with no problems. Now with a slower insulin, by the time I see I need to correct, it’s too late and I’ll have to be high for a while before coming back down.

I could eat with my pizza and pasta loving boyfriend…without issue. Now, it’s a lot harder. I have to remember to double dose, figure out the percentages.

Really, I guess both my areas for improvement mean I need to stop being lazy and forgetful. It’s a lot easier said than done. But, I can do it! (Maybe one day after saying that enough, I’ll be successful)

One Great Thing – Diabetes Blog Week 2012

Once great thing? Well, I guess there’s a better day to ask this question. You know when you have those days where you feel like there’s nothing you do right? Yeah, today is one of those. I guess it’s the perfect day to try to find something that IS going right.

I do a really good job of…

Monitoring my blood sugars. If my Dexcom comes back with something funky, I’m pretty good at checking. To be honest, this is a newly developed strength. A couple weeks ago I was not doing this, I was trusting good ol’ Dex far too much. I corrected for the 300+ Dexcom had alerted me of, only to find out I really was around 140. Since then…I’ve been an all-star checker. Also since then, Dex has been right on, like within 20 points.

My hope is I won’t go back to trusting so easily what my Dexcom reports, even though it has been so correct. Not only does it help prevent my scarfing down whatever is in front of my face when I realize I’m not that high, it makes my endocrinologist happy.

I have a new endocrinologist. Not that I was all that fond of my previous endocrinologist, but it was a functional relationship. Now I’m in an all new one, developing trust, figuring out how we are going to work together. I have to get re-approved for my Dexcom. I have had some insulin changes due to the lack of my new insurance regularly using Apidra and Levemir. And I now have new coverage for my pump and supplies.

I have to be on top of checking my blood sugars. I have to prove I know what I’m doing and can take care of myself without being hovered…again. …I miss my Montana Endo.

Find A Friend – Diabetes Blog Week 2012

I have been absent from a lot of the DOC happenings for the better part of two years. Primarily since being diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. BUT, I’d like to take this opportunity to re-engage.

Being so absent though, means I’m not likely to share any new D-blog I’ve located. BUT, I do happen to know that Sarah over at Sarahndipity is working on getting re-engaged in the d-blogosphere as well. She’s amazing, I love her and I think everyone else should love her too!

We have never personally met, but I’d consider her a friend. Sarah is honest, sweet, encouraging and all around amazing.

Wow, I’m not sure I’ve ever had a post this short before, but hey, it’s a start?

Day 5: AWEsome Things

Short and Sweet:

I’ve become a more understanding person, a nicer person. I’ve become more accepting. I’ve appreciated more…people, nature, everything. There’s nothing to say some other event wouldn’t have taught me the same. If I didn’t have diabetes, after being diagnosed with Crohn’s disease last Fall I’m sure some of those traits would have been developed. Chronic conditions change people; some become bitter and some change for the better.

Diabetes was my springboard into social networking. Until recently most of my online activities and interactions have been diabetes/health/Crohn’s related. Diabetes allowed me to become part of an amazing family